When you are a person who is loved, there is never any lack of advice and guidance being thrown at you.
The things that you SHOULD do.
Often, your advisers and guidance counselors are not trying to break your spirit or cause you pain. They want to help, they want to see you succeed, they want to see you happy.
They love you.
They just don’t know what to say or how to say it. Or they don’t know any other way to live life than the path they’ve chosen.
Or they are scared and/or don’t actually love you as much as they state they do, and they want you to color inside the lines.
My friend Rosemary often reminds me when I slip the SHOULD word into my sentences that I shouldn’t go should-ding all over myself.
I somehow thought that as I got older and wiser and grew and changed there would be a decline in the number of people telling me what I SHOULD do with key decisions. Yet as I move further and further away from the traditional perfect life that so many people live and love, the more people tell me what I SHOULD do to achieve their lifestyle.
Because they are happy and they want me to be happy, too.
But what if I were happy being me? What if that was somehow enough?
Shockingly, it is.
In a few moments of morning contemplation, I thought over a few of the things people have told me I SHOULD do. Paths that were laid out and manicured and perfect, yet for some unknown rebellious reason, I continue fighting through the opposite side of the fork. The path not taken.
Frost was right, it really has made all the difference.
12 Things I Should Have Done (And Some That I DID But Realized I Hated)
1.) You SHOULD marry him because you already promised your heart and made the commitment
2.) You SHOULD go to that hugely expensive school because you will get a much better education and be in line for a better job
3.) You SHOULD be exercising at least an hour a day and depriving yourself of all food that is bad for you because you need to look like the women on film and in magazines
4.) You SHOULD stay in school even though the lifestyle you have created is so destructive that you will probably be dead or in rehab by age 25
5.) You SHOULD pick a career that is safe and has opportunities for advancement because you are going to be doing it for the next 50 years
6.) You SHOULDÂ tone down your laugh because it is too loud and boisterous and annoying
7.) You SHOULD do the assignment you are given and not think of any alternative solutions because you work for us and we know what is best, always
8.) You SHOULD not act so smart and use your “big words” around people because they will think you are being superior and not like you
9.) You SHOULD just settle and marry someone because men your age don’t want you, they want women younger than you to make babies with
10.) You SHOULD move away to another place simply because your life will never have enough experience if you don’t
11.) You SHOULD write copy like “How To Repair Your Own Piano Damper Pedal” for slave wages because at least you are writing
12.) You SHOULD admit that your business isn’t where it needs to be, give up and just remember the time that you tried because you have not achieved success quickly enough
What things are you being should-ded into doing today?
Should is perhaps my least favorite word in all human creation. I am so sensitive to this word – I notice it immediately when someone uses it against me! >:o
But should is sneaky because it has an accomplice: “need to”. Should’s PIC “need to” has a bit more urgency to it, though not much, and it’s just as heinous.
I NEED TO do this in order to get a job.
I NEED TO do this in order to x, y, or z.
Very annoying. At least with should, most people backpedal and realize what’s going on, not so much with need, since that word is intimately tied to things we need to do to survive – eat, drink, sleep, etc. It’s about context, but I even get irritated at people who think they’re trying to do my a favor. Common example:
You should live your life to the fullest.
STFU, don’t tell me what to do. I hate that crap. I don’t like “shoulds” or “need to’s” in any capacity directed at me. Some people think that by switching up the advice, that somehow changes the inherent nature of the statement: you’re not doing what you SHOULD be doing, so I’m going to tell you. I’m all about people finding their own bloody way; I don’t care if someone isn’t ablaze with passion or purpose. I don’t care if someone is insanely miserable or insanely happy. It’s your life; how can I, an outsider, dictate what’s wrong with it? Naturally, if you’re my friend, I’ll try to offer suggestions, but at the end of the day, I’m not them, nor do I know what’s going on inside their mind and Spirit.
So – don’t should me. I don’t care if your philosophy is one of the “path less traveled” or some other nonsense. People only can give you advice based on their perspective, which is inherently a flawed one. People give such terrible advice in the name of good intentions (Hell and all that).
Now – your question: I think that I spend more time “should-ing” myself than anyone else to me. (But I also interpret “shoulds” as people who keep giving me advice on things that I don’t want their advice on, or people who tell me things that go against my nature – and they know this. I think a should is when someone deliberately ignores who you are and tries to force you into becoming like them – because they can only speak for themselves and from their own experiences).
So a lot of the time I feel like I SHOULD get up early and should be better at keeping on schedule with my writing/deadlines or that I should spend all day job hunting. Things like that – things that make me feel bad because I’m not acting in the way other people think is best for me.
But, a “should” to me is a direct one, not something ambiguous or abstract like blaming the media for a self-esteem problem (the media told me I should shave type drivel). If someone doesn’t say it to my face, or some equivalent, then it doesn’t apply to me. I think this makes it easier and perhaps saner because you don’t spend as much time trying to fight faceless and voiceless ideas.