I’ve frequently said that in high school I wasn’t even cool enough to hang with the band geeks.
For anyone who wasn’t a band geek or doesn’t even know what a band geek is (other than this chick from American Pie) the reference is probably a little lost. In high school I was in the “First Flute section” of the band (first seated my senior year,) I was the accompanist for the choir, sang in the show choir and was even in the chamber choir. I also took piano and voice lessons.
One could say I loved music in high school.
And my senior year should have been MY year. That’s the way a senior year is supposed to be. But most of my close friends were a year ahead of me (the danger of adopting your boyfriend’s friends instead of your own) and most of the people in the groups I was in thought I “wasn’t good enough.”
Photo Credit: Getty Images – Brooklyn Photo Group
Most of them were probably right. I was a sweet (not like Sa-WEET! but sweet) singer and could carry a tune on the flute & piccolo. My piano skills were enough to entertain and I managed to make it through a song that involved the chorus throwing confetti, silly string and just about any other projectile allowed onto the stage while I rapidly descended down the piano in major triad chords with octave splits.
But to the kids in those groups I wasn’t ever going to be someone they wanted to involve. The kids in the chamber group whispered about me in the hallway (where they didn’t realize I heard everything that they said,) the other accompanist in the group was younger than me was much better and everyone knew it, and the other band geeks barely wanted me in their secret society at all.
Yep, I was shunned, even by the band geeks.
For many senior year is full of parties and happiness and fun. Final moments with best friends. For me it was a time of realizing no matter how passionate I was about the subject and any talents I might have had there was always someone around the corner who was a little better and way more liked than me.
On the flip side, it prepared me much better for life. I saw the glimpses then that regardless of how much your teachers and directors try to make everyone “play nice” in reality there are always lines drawn and people deciding your worth based on a few pieces of merit.
But more importantly it isn’t always what those other people think of you. It’s what you think of yourself. If you are happy with the person who lives inside then their opinions won’t matter at all. Or very much at least.
So yeah, in high school I wasn’t even cool enough to hang out with the band geeks. And it still happens a lot today (I will forever be un-cool or at least a bit dorky.)
Difference is that even though it sometimes stings, life is good. And I don’t really care that I’m not cool enough to hang out with the band geeks anymore.
Great post, Elisa. I so get it! This may be a generalization, but I’ve found that the kids who had some challenges in high school – particularly social challenges – learned valuable lessons earlier than those who breezed through with the “in” groups. Learning to trust yourself, and overcome obstacles are valuable lessons and the earlier you get it the better.
Barb – So great to see the Maine crowd stopping in! I agree with your assessment totally, and appreciate it considering your work helping people with career and development. It's true and the stuff high school reunions are made of. Frequently when real life “comes a knockin'” the people who lived the idyllic existences get rattled a lot harder than the ones who barely notice the tremors anymore.
I consider myself fortunate that high school was a breeze and I experienced all the awesomeness that I guess you’re supposed to, but sympathize with those that didn’t. I think you hit the nail on the head with, “It’s what you think of yourself.”
And I think now, more than ever if people just OWN that others will come around. If the dorkiest dude in the school owns it, holds his head high, and walks around like he doesn’t give a shit then I think at some point people gravitate to and respect that confidence and though he may never be the star QB, he’ll likely make some solid friends along the way.
Or maybe I don’t have a clue b/c somehow managed to fall into a category that was accepting of me.. flaws and all. (They even knew I was awesome at chess!) 🙂
.-= Ryan Stephens´s last blog ..The Ebb & The Flow =-.
Ryan – I think you totally have a clue, I wouldn't ever assume that just cause someone had a great time in high school they don't. I would, however, assume that MANY don't. One of the greatest high school friend supporters of my adult success was a musician friend who didn't shun me but definitely didn't “hang out” lots either. Now he's all famous and stuff in LA and I always have a friend to hit the clubs with when I'm out there.
I think it is a LOT of who you are and who you believe yourself to be. Hopefully those two things are the same. I think THAT is where the biggest problem comes to light. When there is a conflict between your character and your reputation. Those with the good character always win in the end, but when the game is about popularity and success and stratification, it's reputation that comes into play.
And there you go again with your chess brain speak…making my little dork heart pitter pat. 😛
Elisa: I think one of the hardest things to do in life is to look at yourself honestly — your flaws, your mistakes, your shortcomings — and love yourself in spite of that. So, brava to you for being able to look back at who you were then and appreciate who you are now. I can tell you that you’ve maintained that sweet nature, and that is something special in this world.
I think I was in a little bit of a similar situation in middle school and high school until I hit tenth grade. I think that was when I really figured out who I was and what I loved, and I actually do credit my ex-boyfriend for a lot of that. Because I was in love and loved and all that jazz, I didn’t care what other people thought of me. I learned to do my own thing, I learned to trust myself, and I learned to come out of my shell and really be myself — and love myself for that. I thrived, I became a leader in the activities and clubs I was a part of, and, most importantly, I was proud of who I was — in the way I treated others and the way I treated myself.
That’s a lesson I’ve carried with me ever since. I think you do a lot of growing up during your high school years — you’re discovering who you are in the midst of a social pressure cooker. But it’s also important to remember that you don’t stop growing once you graduate — who you were then doesn’t necessarily decide who you are now. That’s all up to you…
And it seems to me you’ve got that, and you’re doing just fine 🙂
.-= Susan Pogorzelski´s last blog ..The Things We Carry =-.
Susan – Your comments always make me happy. The way you look into it all and tie it up to respond with your own insight…you're just awesome. 🙂
I am glad that being in love brought out that best side of you. I hear that's what it is supposed to do. I dated the same guy for 3.5 years of high school and into college. And he wasn't a bad guy at all. But I definitely lost myself and became HIS girlfriend during that time, I wasn't me. I suppose that's part of how I got into the senior year situation I was in. I don't want to make it sound like it was everyone ELSE in high school.
I won't lie, I got very hurt by things that shook down there and with my “friends” shortly after high school. But the reality is I was unhappy with myself, too. Everything that happened around me was colored with shades of my own feelings.
I'm most definitely a different person now than I was then. I think because people came to love me (and I them) for who I REALLY was. Not falling in love, mind you, but love nonetheless.
I’m with Ryan – the line “it’s what you think about yourself” totally stopped me in my tracks. It’s so important to remember that and keep coming back to it.
I’m so thankful for the person who told me the phrase, “Comparison is a losing game,” because it reminds me that ultimately I am much better off focusing on how I feel about myself, not on worrying about if/how I measure up to others. I find that to be especially important in relationships – it’s so easy to get jealous of other girls or wonder if I’m “good enough” – which is silly because I am just me! That’s all I can ever be. Sometimes I forget that I am often my own toughest critic.
I know this isn’t time to debate levels of coolness, but girl! You are one of THE COOLEST BESTEST PEOPLE I know. You are a ROCKSTAR! Such an inspiration and wise woman. So I take a moment to say thank you Twitter and WordPress for making the virtual BFF soul-sisters on opposite coasts connection – cool, not cool, or just plain crazy – I heart you 🙂
.-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Domesticating Jaguars: Let’s All Learn from My Crazy Dream =-.
Jenny Blake – I like that line too…I'm glad it is what stuck out to people!
I hadn't heard that phrased exactly like that before, but it is SO TRUE. And in reality, how can we compare ourselves to other people. That's like standardizing human beings, their personalities and their contributions. I'm not much of a fan of standardized tests (though I do rock them) so I'm even less of a fan of standardizing people.
And much like my hotness, I think my coolness comes out only after you get to know me a bit better. Otherwise, I'm kind of a big dork. Good for me, dorks are in right now. 😀
Since everyone here gave you a “serious” reply, I won’t.
You uncool? COMMON’!!! I would pay to hangout with you. I can see myself now; stuttering all nervous, trying to just say hi, palm sweaty and all. Oh God, just thinking about it has made me backspace this paragraph like five times! 🙂 Dorky? I believe we ALL have a tiny bit of dorkiness inside. I know I do. In my opinion, you are cool and not dorky. If you are, I will still want to hang out with Mrs. Intellectual 😉
I wasn’t popular or cool in high school either. I loved hanging out on my own. If they knew me, it was because my brother was popular at the time and if anyone messed with me, well you know. I hated that feeling. UGH!!
PS. Stop underestimating yourself!! You have so much in you; you don’t believe you do. Thank God I remind you. 🙂 Remember what I told you elisa :-p
.-= Cheila Esquilin´s last blog ..It’s Time to Live =-.
Cheila – Wow, you are so sweet! And flatter me far too much! Yes, I'm pretty uncool. A pretty big dork in fact. As I mentioned to Jenny, dorks are in right now so I fortunately have that going for me. But yes, Cheila, there is a big dork. And she's me. 🙂
I'm very fortunate and grateful that folks like you would want to hang out, knowing me as I am. That's not something I always had. Sounds like you didn't always either, which makes me even more happy to have you as a friend. We've got to stick together, us high school social outsiders!
And most importantly, yes, thank you for reminding me of what I have to offer when sometimes I forget. I think we all have those moments. I hope I'm always there for you for yours.
Well I’m not going to lie to you cause I’m your sister and probably the person who knows you best. You are a dork. One of the biggest ones I know. But I am right along there with you. I am the one that also watches documentaries on the History channel or get excited because CERN finally made those effing atoms to collide. We are dorks. But here’s something else. I am cool. I didn’t think I was until a co RA of mine admitted to me one day that he was so nervous to work with me because he heard how awesome I was. And you know what? While he shouldn’t have been intimidated by me, he should have been excited to work with me! And that’s what people are when they talk to you or meet you in person.
I agree your senior year of high school was rough. But I think you are truly forgetting about the years prior. Our house was full every weekend with teenagers from around the town because “Liz” (I know you just shuttered a little) and her family were wicked awesome. Mom and dad had to get you your own phone number and line because you got so many phone calls.
So yes, you are a huge dork. Huge. But you are also amazing, enchanting shy, beautiful and one of my biggest role models. I love you more than a sister you are my best friend. So embrace your dorkiness because I know I do and I think it’s the best trait we have in common 🙂 Happy clown 😉
Awww you see!! I want a sister like yours!!! I’m so jealous!! 🙂
.-= Cheila Esquilin´s last blog ..It’s Time to Live =-.
Amy – Haha, yes, you probably have the best judge of my dorkiness so I'm glad you are weighing in here. And you are in the same boat. A dork that is somehow cool enough to hang out with. Never to be intimidated by, but definitely want to be around.
It's like I mentioned to Ryan, I think that it isn't always about being a dork or being cool or whatever. It's also about your character, and who you really are. The shallow, superficial people who bounce through life on the laurels of their looks/smarts/athleticism/etc will frequently fall flat eventually because sooner or later people see through. But when you are a good person at your core, all the REST is the fluff and they take the Cern documentaries along with the awesomeness.