Dating and Relationships and Singleness.
They are all about the tingle of a first kiss or touch, the fluttering beats of your heart when sweet nothings are whispered into your ear, and the blossoming connection that is built emotionally and mentally with hours of conversation and discussion.
Which is why, my lovely handsome and beautiful internet friends, I must point out the obvious.
You are ruining my singleness.
The epic amazing intellectual quality of relationships formed through blogging and online is hard to replicate in the offline world.
That isn’t to say that people who are not online are incapable of mentally stimulating relationships. I’ve spent the past eight months emotionally invested in someone who barely uses Facebook, let alone a blog or Twitter. Enjoying the offline interactions of time together, laughter and tender moments when the world slips away and time seemingly stands still.*
But you online people.
Oh you crafty, amazing, irresistibly engaging wonderful humans.
I have my online crushes. We all do.
The fact that the entire relationship (platonic and otherwise) is built on the mental and emotional connection of online interaction inevitably sets us up for feelings and fantasies that have no grounding in reality. In my most logical of mindsets, I completely understand that while there is a legitimate bond to these connections, often they are only possible amongst the circumstances of a Skype call or Twitter reply stream.
They’re not necessarily anyone that you particularly want to have a long-lasting co-habitating candlelit dinners on the beach for the rest of your life with. You know if you were to spend more than an hour or two with them, you would probably kill them. Or at least throat-punch them.
Yet you still wonder what it would be like to pack up and move across the country (or world) to date them. You follow their feeds a LITTLE too close, and know everything down to that unfortunate chicken kabob incident that happened three weeks ago. You manage to overlook their complete incompatibility because you only interact with them for small spurts of time during which people tend to be on their best behavior.
As much as I believe in the power of online relationships, I have found too often that thinking you know someone online does not mean that you really know them.
Yes, of COURSE I realize that this happens in regular 3-Dimensional dating as well. You get to know someone better and they are not quite what they seemed. This is always a chance you take inviting someone new in your life. But with building online relationships (platonic or otherwise), there is no third date when your date yells at the waitstaff or dances like a completely foolish idiot to either scare you away or endear you.
The flirtation levels are higher because there is no jeopardy of things leading to more. Off-hand comments grow like offspring at a rabbit farm. You spend all your time talking about hopes and dreams and projects and lofty inspiring things. You can meet them in your pajamas completely unkempt or even without wearing pants (not in that way, geez!!) for a shoulder-up video chat. A winky is just a winky, it holds no promise of rendezvous and love.
These false parameters do not translate as well to Adventures in Singleness.
That still doesn’t stop us from looking at what is available in our daily physically interactions, craving the stimulation and unnaturally deep connections with people we barely know. Creating a world in a bubble that (most often) cannot exist the same way in reality.
In the end, I know this is my problem, not yours. You can’t help but be amazing people.
I would never want you to change that.
But can’t we figure out a way for you to continue being amazing in a way that doesn’t make me crave such things off-line?
Cause, honestly, my singleness is totally losing its mojo.
* Nothing gold can stay, and likewise this interlude has played out, so thanks for inevitable comments but let’s just gloss over my heartache, mmmkay? 😉
Slow, standing clap!!!
This post took all the words out of my mouth — I love it, I love all the posts/articles you linked to, and I thank you for shedding light (and a dose of reality) on this topic!
I find dating “in the wild” so hard because I want people to live up to my amazing friendships with bloggers all over the world. Their drive, ambition, creativity and passion for life are infectious, and I find my standards have gotten quite high over the years for wanting that stuff from the people I meet out and about or at bars (haha, fat chance, I know). But there is a lot to be said about having someone ACTUALLY wink at you and actually smile from across the room beyond just emoticons on a computer screen, and the REALITY of them liking the 3D you (not just the fantasy) — might that make up for the lack of 100% intellectual connection? Only time will tell, I suppose 🙂
Jenny –
Thanks for sussing out the concepts of the post over many SPIRL conversations. 😉
You hit on the exact thing I struggle with – we are fortunate to run in circles of pretty awesome people online. And yes, while I can just delve into a conversation about business marketing or personal development or “meaning of happiness” with people in chats and comments, it is a little harder to start those conversations up in a bar or meeting someone randomly. In fact, the last person I had a connection like that with, I actually broke out in hives willing myself to want to date him because I loved talking to him!
I loathe small talk…I loathe hives more though!
It’s easy to look at someone online and think they are amazing. They traveled to Thailand last week, they sold out their webinar to 5,000 people, they made a book. But, we really don’t know what they are like aside from that. We don’t know what they are truly like when it’s 2am and they’ve been up working 16 hours.
Are they still friendly? Are they still welcoming?
No matter how much we try, we experience selective transparency online. Even if I do let people see when I’m not at my best, they definitely don’t see me at my worst.
So much to think about here…
Ryan – That is a *very* good point, and something I struggle with a LOT. Even though people learn about me through my writing and updates, and even more with occasional conversations and chats, there is still so much that they DON’T know cause there are some things that don’t translate into online relationships. They certainly haven’t seen me at my worst, and try as I might I CANNOT convince people how much of a total TOTAL dork I am!!
But I think that there’s a relative amount of transparency offline as well. Thinking of all those CourtTV and Dateline reports where the neighbors are always like “I would never have guessed that s/he would have 47 bodies cut up and piled in the basement. They make the coleslaw every year for the church bazaar!”
Hey Elisa! I dig this piece in all sortsa ways.
I agree that the friendships, relationships, and simple familiarities that we have with really impressive men and women in the online worlds is a very powerful thing.
However, for me personally, I’ve not really had an experience where my interactions with women in the real-life world have been *explicitly* colored, eschewed or influenced by anything I’ve done online. I’ve never met a girl and thought, “I wish she was more like X,” or “Why don’t we ever talk about Y like I do with so-and-so?”
But then again, I’m a guy. And I’m not much of a dating/relationship kind of guy, either. Is it a matter of what we’re looking for in a partner (and if we’re looking at all) that colors our perspective of how online relationships affect the off-line ones? Maybe.
All that said, I think that we can still have Internet-based friendships, working relationships and supportive connections to people whom we MAY OR MAY NOT KNOW VERY WELL — which is just plain ol’ fine — and still not have them influence how we look at people in real life.
After all, anything we do on the Internet ought to explicitly be a means to the end of human connections, human experiences, and human interactions.
If our interpersonal friendships, dating or social lives feel like they are lacking in comparison to our online lives — maybe that’s a hint that we ought to refocus on spending more time amongst people and getting out into the world.
I know that at this point in my life, I’m really ready to do just that and begin to spend less time with my face in a computer screen — not for the sake of finding a wife, but for the sake of really living.
Dave –
Thanks for providing “boy opinion” – looks like that is what ended up running rampant on the post! 🙂
I think that is a huge piece of it, what you are looking for in a partner. I’ll be the first to admit, I’m particular about people I’ll go out with. Because one of my absolute MUST HAVE’s of a relationship (and I don’t have many) is that we have to be able to have stimulating conversation. I just can’t imagine wanting to be with someone that I can’t talk to. And not just chatter, actual meaningful conversation.
One thing that thinking about this whole concept is what has pushed me to bring more of my “online friendships” offline to hang out with these great people – or seek out people like this more in my offline world. Which, I agree with you, has been more and more where I spend quality time as of late.
Totally with you on this. And I have to second what Jenny said above: Meeting people at bars now can be SO disappointing. Not much chance of me happening upon a hot location independent vegan minimalist on a night out in Ireland 😛
Ugh, right?!
I long ago gave up on the concept of meeting anyone I’d end up dating at a bar. If it were to happen, awesome. But you would probably be able to tackle me to the floor with a feather, I would be so entirely stunned!
I enjoyed your post and understand where you’re coming from. Reading it though, I wondered… Isn’t it possible for you to make your offline relationships as exciting as your online ones? Or just to make them whatever you want them to be?
If its the flirtation that you love, maybe a long, drawn out courtship (people still use that word, right?) would work. My boyfriend and I were friends for months before we finally shared how much we cared about each other (and kissed!). That gave us so much time to talk about hopes and dreams, wink at each other, walk arm in arm, etc. and let it all fall under the ‘we’re just friends’ banner. I totally hear why you like online relationships and I think you can look for/create something similar offline too.
Connecting to people on Twitter and such reminds me of making friends while traveling. It’s easy to connect and there are so many different people to connect with all the time, its exciting. Ultimately I see each relationship, whether online or off, as a connection.
Jackie – The post definitely came off a little lopsided. I have a ton of amazing offline friends with whom I have this type of connection. And I have met (until recently was seeing) someone with whom I also had an amazing connection.
The whole thing is exactly what you reference in the last paragraph – that it is easy to connect on a very familiar and open level with so many people online (similar to meeting up with lots of different people while you travel) and that doesn’t always translate to day-to-day grind of where you live.
Perhaps, as you note, because we don’t actively seek out new connections offline as much as we do online. Offline, we grow comfortable and happy with our own groups of friends, and it can be hard to bump ourselves outside the bubble of “putting ourselves out there”.
Hrmmm….food for thought?!
Mmm I see that, becoming comfortable with a group of friends.. which easily turns into complacency. Technology has made it easier for people to connect and open up to each other online because we can log off when we’re not at our best, use google while we talk, and employ other tricks to avoid awkwardness.
That looks like a slippery slope to me, a trap worth watching for. While we are all connecting and getting to know each other, it can only be to a certain depth. We get to choose when to expose our vulnerability online, when offline life has more of a hand in that choice.
In short, I agree it can seem difficult to ‘put oneself out there’ offline, but sooooo worth the effort!
One thing I thought of: This might be easier or more difficult depending on where someone lives. I lived in NYC for the past eight years and was constantly meeting new people. Random strangers, Twitter folk, dudes from dating sites (wow, that was terrible!)… If I lived in rural Michigan, I can see how a diverse community of online friends would become even more significant.
Hope you’re having a good weekend!
First time visitor and hello! I’d like to add to Ryan and Dave’s remarks 🙂
This is coming from a guy who is married (almost 11 years now), but I think I’ll play a little devil’s advocate here.
I think the online community of bloggers who are building their websites/businesses are a great bunch of people. They seem driven to make a difference in the world.
However, it might be worth a second look at thinking that everyone online (especially myself) are at a higher level than the average person. I think we have the advantage of comfort and ease with the way we operate and communicate online. We don’t have to speak to physical groups of people and therefore are more apt to take risks with what we say and do.
At 2 am if I have not slept, I can certainly pull off my own Dr. Jekyll impersonation. I’m as susceptible to frustration, irritation, contempt, jealousy, and other less than reputable qualities as the next person.
It doesn’t mean we aren’t all awesome people. I think we are headed in the right direction. But we do have flaws, they just get covered up and unrealized through the pages on our blogs and our focus on the positive – which is all good.
Jeremy – Well hello, thanks for stopping by AND commenting on a first-time visit. If I had a gold star sticker you would TOTALLY get it! 🙂
I agree very much that we often accentuate the positive online. No one wants to dwell in negativity, even though we may touch on it occasionally.
But what you say, about the people who “run in our online circles” being driven and “higher than most” – YES!!! I find an abundance of brilliant sexy people online. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel! Especially when we are all broadcasting and building brands off of the fact that we are all brilliant and sexy. Vicious vicious cycle!
That is not always so apparent at first offline. It takes some time. To quote the brilliant sexy Michael Buble, perhaps for many we just haven’t met them yet?
Thanks again for commenting – I appreciate it bunches and bunches!
Isn’t Jeremy the best?! He always leaves the most thoughtful comments!! A very wise man indeed.
I am LOVING this whole thread of comments too — all the guys who weighed in are SPOT ON!!! Bravo boys, bravo!!
<3
Oh ohhh, i LOVE Michael Bublé! Great quote 🙂 I couldn’t agree with you more, i find it really hard to get meaningful connections outside the online world, which is in a way a bit sad as i would love to talk to people in real, around a coffee or something.
Maybe we do have high expectations in the offline world and sometimes i’m scared that i will never meet anyone because of that fact, even just as friends. Or i need to travel more and go meet these awesome people online on the road 🙂
Great post in any case!
I love the idea of this post. I never really considered this, but I see what you’re saying.
I see in the comments there have been some devils advocate and awesome points – we all know that we are usually our “best” online and even when we appear frustrated and vulnerable there is a computer between us and the world.
I feel lucky to have also made so many real connections offline from my online friends, I know it will only continue. And about 99% of them are amazing, as I expect and even better. It’s fulfilling!
I speak from a unique standpoint – I agree with you, thus, my boyfriend (ha, as you know) of 1.5 years IS a blogger and in the same online circle(s) as me and that’s how we met.
So I ask, we admire these online bad-asses and bloggers so why doesn’t something happen online/offline, wherever. Location obviously could be an answer, but James was across the country when we began chatting and in the end, like with love, there was no distance too far if it’s going to work.
That’s why I’m curious if from afar, they look beautiful and on point all the time or there’s a lot we don’t know/they may not share. Also, although my experience is very positive
Another point is while James and I “knew” each other from blogging, chatting, emailing and our respective online companies – I never really KNEW him until we lived in the same place and were totally IRL
. That’s another side that might not have been brought up, it’s easy to get caught up in someone’s online persona…where sometimes, they are not what they seem. Another interesting point in all this…
Rambling, I know, I hope I made sense 🙂 Such a good post!!
And there are typos in here. Ignore the sentence that doesn’t end 😉
Clearly this means you should find yourself a brilliant and sexy blogger to date.
Don’t feel bad, it only took me ten years of blogging to figure that out for myself. 😉