When I first got my online relationship column, I was elated. Over the moon. All those horribly cliched phrases that don’t even begin to do the feelings in your heart and lungs justice.
Almost immediately, however, my trip to the moon started encountering some pretty serious space debris challenges. People wanted to be excited for me. They wanted to support my dreams and career goals. But they couldn’t wrap their minds around the idea that I was just going to be writing for a website.
When will your column actually be published?
Don’t you want to see your name in print?
Do you write for a REAL newspaper or just that site?
Ouch.
Ouch on all accounts.
Chris Guillebeau refers to these people as energy-sucking vampires. Marc Pitman refers to them as “black holes.” Ashley Ambirge calls them Dream Zappers. I like to fall on the oldie-but-goodie slang-term haters.
Those folks that find their way into your personal orbit and suck all the ambitious/optimistic/productive karma you’ve got going on.
Most people will advocate that you need to eliminate these people from your life. Ignore everything that they say and brush it off your shoulders. Claim that their maligning of your orbit is holding you back.
Those things are true (to a point.)
Yet every good life story needs an antagonist.
Where would our favorite fairy tales be without their villians?
Who would Luke Skywalker fight if there was no Darth Vader? Would Elizabeth Bennett be judged so severely if not for Caroline Bingley’s urging? How would Scott Pilgrim earn the love of Ramona if he didn’t have to overcome the League of Evil Exes?
Sometimes the antagonist is not even that evil. Bridget Jones had her mother to contend with, we all have our crosses to bear.
Antagonists make stories. 
They push the main character to explore depths of themselves that they never would have without such adversity. Let’s face it, a main character who faces no challenge is boring. Similarly a life that is never challenging and always semi-charmed is, for many, wrought with problems and pain. Just ask Lindsey Lohan/Britney Spears/The Baldwin Brothers.
Antagonists make the reader cheer and get behind a main character’s success. We jump up and down with an air fist-pump when we see them overcome the odds and save the day. We relish in the personal character development they experience.
Antagonists make the main character want to be (and eventually become) a better person.
Now I’m not advocating that you go on some sadistic journey to find the meanest most evil enemy you can. That’s just silly. We accomplish little in life by hurling ourselves against heavy doors.
You don’t need to like what your antagonists say to you. Heck, you don’t even need to believe it.
But you do need to listen to it.
If it bugs you, there’s probably a reason. If nothing else, coming to an understanding within yourself will make you a stronger person. Ready to face the next challenge and the next antagonist.
Because they will always be out there.
And they will help to make your story amazing.
Photo Credit: Creative Commons Flickr – Silgeo
I have a confession: I refresh some of my favorite blogs during my lunch hour looking for good reading material. So when I saw a new post here, I immediately thought “hooray!” 🙂
That said, good post. Here’s where I stand: When I see people accomplishing what has always been a dream since practically birth (namely, publishing a book), that green-eyed monster comes out to play. A part of me hates that, but another part feels it’s only natural — you see someone finding success and it makes you question yourself, your own ability and talent. Sometimes you may see someone’s accomplishment and feel it is so well-deserved that you want to cheer them on every step of the way. Other times, there are instances where you say, “Hold your horses…*She* got published? If she could get published then why can’t I?” (Note: I may or may not be speaking of a best-selling author who writes of sparkles and vampires. Ahem). And immediately you think of them as the enemy, your competition, that person you have to beat to prove something to yourself.
Your antagonist.
But the thing about having someone like that is you can waste all your energy feeling envious, or you could put that energy into creating something wonderful and meaningful of your own. I’m never going to be a best-selling novelist who writes about vampires because that’s not who I am. But I will be published one day (how’s that for positive thinking, Universe?!) with something meaningful to me, and hopefully to others. And I will have those antagonists to thank because they are the ones who remind me to keep moving, keep working, keep writing.
So, I agree. We need these people in our own life story to challenge us, to make us question ourselves, and to help us overcome ourselves.
I really needed this post today. Thanks, Elisa.
Susan – Haha, yes, there are so many of us out there trying not to lunge in angry terror over a book signing table of sparkles and vampires. 🙂
I’ll agree, many of our antagonists are simply people who are jealous of what we are accomplishing. That’s how it is in many stories. That big reveal where they admit that they wish they were more like the main character. Or with the guy/girl the main character is with. Or have the job/car/house/life of the main character.
The main character antagonizes just as much as the antagonist. Again, otherwise it’s a pretty boring story (unless you throw in sparkles!) And yes, a key point is where you put your energy. You can’t change someone else, only yourself.
Yet its important to understand and listen to both what an antagonist says and the thoughts/emotions they evoke within us. Often they open doors we are too frightened to look behind ourselves.
PS – Do you watch Family Guy? You HAVE to see this week’s if you haven’t: Brian Writes A Best Seller http://www.hulu.com/watch/193313/family-guy-brian-writes-a-bestseller
I watched this over lunch and can I just say, please please please can Stewie be my publicist!
But your name IS in print. A digital publication, but a publication none the less and all the same! You’ve been published in 2010 style! And that’s something to be very proud of. I’m proud of you. Plus, didn’t you just get a magazine deal? So I don’t get it. Or rather, I don’t get why people are giving you a hard time. Although, I can relate!
When I started my company (and even still to this day), people will ask me how many people I have working for me. When I say 6, their response is always “is that all?”
Instead of feeling proud, I always feel like a failure when answering that question. So I’ve gotten into the habit of answering that question by saying…”There’s only a handful of people right now, but we’re growing!” Instinctively, I minimize my success thus far and empathize where I’m going in the future, or at least where I hope/strive to go. For whatever reason, that seems to sit better with people. I feel like a get a warm nod of approval as opposed to the disappointed and questioning grimace.
I’m sorry you’re experiencing a similar reaction from people. It hurts. But pull a Jay-Z and brush it off your shoulder. There is no greater, more satisfying “Fuck You” in life than proving people wrong and rising to the top despite the all the naysayers and critics. Sometimes you have to ignore the boos and be your own cheerleader.
Here’s to writing in whatever form that makes you happy! Cheers.
David – Believe me, I’ve gotten over (well, like 90% gotten over) the folks who remarked that having the online column/blog wasn’t good enough to be a “real” writer. Many were not even questioning, and were well intentioned. Notice the second one I heard often “Don’t you wish you could see your name in print?”
Yes, yes I do. Similar to you, I have beautiful blissful dreams of running my hands over a book cover that has my name and face smiling back at me.
So I don’t necessarily want to just brush their comments off. Obviously they affect (or affected) me, otherwise I wouldn’t still remember them. They speak to that dream and desire that are still unfulfilled. It doesn’t make the work I do on the column any less, it just means there’s still for me to do.
I ain’t done on this journey yet. As I’m sure you aren’t either.
I agree. A bit of Cee-Lo Green and some Jay-Z, with a little dance in my undies while singing into a chocolate bar usually makes me forget about the haters. I think there are some people who are totally, utterly, not worth your time. But you’re so, so right in that there are some antagonists who DEFINITELY make you think twice about what you’re doing and why. And that’s never a bad thing!
Kristin – Umm….GENIUS! I actually downloaded “Don’t Stop Believin'” and danced around my living room last week (quite hilarious considering the massive bay window I have that looks out onto a very busy street!)
And you are right. There are antagonists and then there are just some people who plain should go away and never come back. I find those people leave more of an impression but are fewer in number.
Here’s to the antagonists who help us grow and be better people – and the tiny little desire I have hidden deep within that I will end the day better than them. 🙂
I love the conversation about Dream Zappers, energy-sucking vampires, and black holes, because I too have them in my life. But what I love more is how you started talking about them and carried the conversation in a direction that I wasn’t prepared for–that these people may provide some use in your life.
I think you hit it on the nail when you said, “If it bugs you, there’s probably a reason.” And that reason is so buried that you may not even know that it’s there, which is why those Dream Zappers can get to you. Danielle LaPorte wrote about the perils of justifying yourself to others, which I synthesized a bit on my blog (http://lamiki.com/2010/11/make-no-excuses/) and I think has a place in this discussion.
Well said, Elisa
Laura – Ooooh, thanks for all the link-juice. I just fell down a rabbit hole!
Yes, I feel like we are able to easily brush off zappers, vampires, black holes when their accusations are ridiculous and unfounded. But when they hit a nerve that close, well, it’s worth examining the nerve to figure out why. Too often we get caught up in this “let’s not deal with it, let’s just run away and hate the haters and banish them from our lives.”
But that doesn’t make for an interesting story. And it certainly doesn’t make us better people. I don’t want to justify myself to the haters, but I certainly feel like I’ve gotta be able to look at myself in the mirror at the end of the day and be happy with the face looking back at me.
Couldn’t agree more with this (a lot of good blogging – is it something about the end of the year and the holidays that’s sparking all this creative juice)? Antagonists are out there, naysayers are always going to be there, and haters gonna’ hate. But, like you said – it’s those who challenge you that end up making you stronger. It’s about embracing and using it as motivation, or ignoring it altogether, rather than letting the “dream zappers” bring you down. Great post!
Matt – Yes, precisely. You can choose to use their energy sucking against them to make yourself stronger or you can let it suck you clean and dry. Course some you just roll your eyes at and move on.
Haters will hate, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to get in on the action! 🙂
So much love for this post!
Becca – Aw thanks! And thanks for sharing with folks – really appreciate it!
Oh wow, this just happened to me a few weeks ago. I got into an intense debate with someone over Google Adsense. What bothered me the most was that this person knew nothing about blogs or Adsense. I am a researcher and sometimes (ok most of the time) go overboard with finding information. I felt as though I was getting attacked because this person was basically asking me “Why would you blog for free? Why not monetize?” And when I was trying to respond and provide information, he wasn’t listening. It then turned into what I felt was a personal attack – he was attacking my decisions.
Even though the conversation left me SO heated – I knew there was a reason it was bothering me. Maybe I didn’t look up enough information? So I did. And doing more research made me feel better – not only that I was making the right decision, but that I had dug deeper into the issue.
And I absolutely believe jealousy should be used as admiration. Find what you are jealous about and use it as motivation to do what YOU want. (Currently in progress in my life.) 🙂
Thanks for your post, Elisa!
Diana – Haha, I’m totally a researcher too. It’s a big joke, I’ll pull out my phone to Google simple conversation items because it just BUGS me when I don’t know the answer to something that I could easily find in two clicks. Which means I know a ridiculous amount of veritably useless knowledge items. And get further frustrated when people attempt to fight with me about it.
And yes, I also feel better when I research further and discover my knowledge had been correct. Not in a “I always need to be right” way but in a “I can continue trusting my brain” way.
Finally, I live parts of my life similarly. If I’m jealous or desperately wanting something…it’s probably something I should investigate doing. For example, after about 6 months of scouring the Musicians board on Craigslist I finally bit the bullet and replied on 3 jazz listings.
Life is too short to not sing jazz in night clubs. 🙂
HAHAH you sound like my boyfriend. I call him an almanac. 🙂 He knows so much random information. But it is always useful when I need to know something!
OMG you sing jazz?? In nightclubs??? I LOVE it.
Sounds like we’ll all need to play Trivial Pursuit or Jeopardy or something. I’m like a fount of useless knowledge with those things!
And yeah, I used to sing out. People paid me and everything. In 2011 I’m trying to get back into doing that. We’ll see…
Ah I’m bad at those games…he is good. You two can compete. 🙂
YES you must sing. I know you can start again. I wish I could sing.
I did that with painting this year. Will eventually enter shows.
Thanks! Glad to share linkspace across this great internet divide!