“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.” – Marilyn Monroe
Today was one of those days where you just can’t do anything to pull yourself out of a slump. I think it starts from being in a bad place last night. So I was angry when I woke up. I was angry when I got ready. I was angry at work. I was angry while I drove home. I was angry when I looked in my kitchen to realize I had no wine. I was angry when I opened the fridge only to realize that there was one lonely beer from the six-pack it feels like I had just purchased. I was angry when I checked my inbox. I was angry when I looked at Facebook. I was angry when I listened to my voicemail. I was angry when I logged onto the stupid dating sites I’m on and stared at the glaring “You have no new messages” message that mocked my already pent up anger.
I kind of wanted to throw my computer, but that would just end poorly. Then I wanted to throw something else, to cause something to go CRASH-BANG-SHATTER. Instead I curled up on the couch to watch last night’s episode of The Office and essentially vibrate I am shaking from so much bad jujube.
Photo Credit: Getty Images – Farhad J Parsa
It takes a lot for me to write this post. I feel like we aren’t allowed to say online or in our blogs (or heck, even in the big bad world outside of “real life”) that we are angry. That we are frustrated. That we are sad. That we don’t have the answers or that anything bad could possibly be going on.
We’re not supposed to feel that way. We’re supposed to always look for bright sides. We’re supposed to always smile and appreciate and love. We never talk about our failures, we only promote our successes. We can’t admit our fear, we must conquer the world. Our greatest challenges immediately become our greatest strengths, but no one wants to hear how you had to ditch all your friends during a hike because you couldn’t make it up the mountain and you’re pretty sure they all thought you were just a heifer and out of shape. You call yourself out for not being cool enough and people yell at you in comments because they won’t admit that you have flaws.
Or they tell you that you shouldn’t feel these deep dark bad feelings. That we should instead consider people dying, or the homeless, or the starving people of Kenya and realize how tiny our problems are in respect. To “put things in perspective,” slap on a happy face and perhaps drown ourselves in some prescription medication to make it all better.
Except now I feel like a superficial bitch because in this very moment I care very little for homeless people and instead I’m very irked that my beer is gone and my fingers are flying and I still feel like breaking plates.
Sometimes we have to be angry. We have to be mad. We have to get upset and talk about how we feel, and acknowledge that it’s ok to be in that place where you hate the world and want to check out the Unabomber’s manifesto for ideas.
And don’t you tell me I can’t be. Cause really, the mood I’m in…well…let’s just say I’m VERY scary and intimidating.
No, seriously. I can be.
Stop laughing!
Listening To: Meredith Brooks – Bitch
You are a smart person. You have perspective and temporal frustrations won’t make you lose that.
It’s your blog, girl. Fuck fear, do whatever makes you happy. Or less frustrated right now.
.-= Carlos Miceli´s last blog ..Over-Dreaming =-.
Carlos, thanks. The frustration has been temporary and I woke this morning in a much better state of affairs. I think I probably needed to get all that out of my system to move forward.
I’m not sure that being pissed off for the world to see made me happy, persay, but it definitely was therapeutic. Going for a run and meeting a good friend for coffee are what really did the trick. 🙂
I know what you are saying- we are often afraid that we will look like we are throwing a pity party and time we want to vent, but I say do it because it is very cathartic- and you should write about whatever you want to write about!
.-= Dmbosstone´s last blog ..Oscar Watch: GameOn Podcast: Sarah Fisher & Patrick Pho, the Sequel =-.
Patrick – YES! You totally DO get what I was saying. 😀
I needed a night to sulk and vent and be all cranky. And it wasn’t so much that I *couldn’t* write about it (I kinda did) it was more about the way that online very few people write about shitty things. They only write the good stuff.
I feel like I need to see the good WITH the bad. I can’t love people in slices. (That mindset is totally stolen from the movie First Knight, ps….)
See, this is one of the beauties of mommy blogging: it’s all about (writing about) failing and being pissed and doing things that you wish you hadn’t. Seems like your corner of the blogosphere has – or at least you’ve internalized that it has – much higher expectations. I agree w/ Carlos: Fuck fear + do what makes you happy.
Michaela, I’m gonna kick ass as a mommy blogger then! 🙂
I remember a scene from the beginning of Desperate Housewives (you know, when it was kind of an ok show to watch!) when one of the women took off to a park or something because she was so overwhelmed. And the red-head was like “I used to wait for the kids to take naps and I’d just sit there and cry because I was so exhausted” and the other woman was like “See, we need to tell each other these things. I always thought you were the perfect mother, and never felt like that. And like there was something wrong with me cause I did.”
Though not a mommy, the scene made total sense to me. I don’t think there are expectations in either blogosphere, there’s just a stigma wherein you DON’T talk often about failure in the Gen Y world unless it’s how you overcame it and now kick even more ass.
Which, of course, is not always the case.
I’m with Carlos. This is your blog, your platform, your outlet. And what you’re feeling are your anger, your frustrations, your fears. Hell, I write about my fears and frustrations on my blog with practically every entry because these are natural emotions that everyone feels but few talk about. Feel them.
This is life. Sometimes, the sun doesn’t always shine so brightly. Sometimes, there’s a little bit of rain or a huge thunderstorm. Sometimes, it just isn’t so easy.
I respect those bloggers who dig deeper, who are more personal. Yes, there are a lot of feel-good, inspiring posts out there, but I want to know what you’re feeling and how you’re coping. I want to know about your life.
I want to know about you.
Now make sure you stock up on that wine 😉
Susan – Yeah, I don’t ever really have a problem writing about most anything on this blog. It wasn’t so much that I wouldn’t as the fact that we aren’t “supposed to.” Course I don’t really adhere to “supposed to’s.”
You are right, the sun doesn’t always shine, and sometimes the rain lasts for far too long. It’s nice to remember that the sun will one day rise, but that doesn’t stop us from curling up inside under the covers with soup and a book and shutting out the world. 🙂
Sometimes we are just in a bad mood. The why or when doesn’t even begin to matter. If I had been home I would totally have gone and bought you beer or wine or whatever you needed. Listened to you vent and seen if we had some plates to break, hell you’d do the same if it were me. So yes write about it and let the world know, sometimes you are just in a bad mood. Shit happens, we don’t always know why, and why is that so bad?
Amy – Thanks, but I probably would have been angrier if we had broken plates. 🙂
No I would have stolen plates from somewhere and then broken them. No worries 🙂
Hi, I love this, and I’m so glad you got past any reservations you had about posting it. It’s funny that I’m just reading this now, after I wrote a post about being stressed, and how sometimes you just need to freak out. Even though I’m all about that appreciation thing, and trying to find some good in even the worst life experiences, there are times when I feel like a shit magnet and just get angry at the higher powers. That’s the healthy thing to do. It can’t always be sunshine and puppies…that’s just not normal. So, kudos to you for letting yourself be angry, and reminding the rest of us to do the same!
Sam – Haha, yes, life is not always sunshine and puppies. That’s an EXCELLENT way of putting it.
And yes, EXACTLY what you said. I wanted to say that it IS ok to get angry and upset and be public/vocal about it. We always try to put on a happy face, but sometimes all we can muster is the angry eyes we packed “just in case.” 🙂
So did my counseling session mixed with a pep talk and a small threat of violence on you help?
Really Elisa, I would MUCH rather read a blog by someone who is honest with their emotions and views rather, than someone who is always so sickening sweet and happy about life even when they are being shit on. Your honesty is refreshing.
.-= David´s last blog ..Saying Goodbye To Blogging 1 Post Shy Of 1,000 =-.
David – Yes, your emails helped a lot. That and realizing after about 3 hours of pure sulking that I wasn’t really getting anywhere so I might as well suck it up and deal with the problem.
So thanks for that! 🙂
Yeah, I had a crappy day today so it was good to read this. It is tough to blog about the bad days, because when you blog (or at least when I do) you try to get to some kind of “point” or resolution or cheery little lesson learned (vomit) by the end. But bad days aren’t like that. They just…. suck, and there’s no point to it. Being simply pissed off is underrated.
Kat – Haha, yes, being pissed just isn’t enough sometimes. I should probably note that this came as I was reading through my Google reader and seeing post after post of warm fuzzy happy resolutioned stories (which is probably not a good idea when you are in a horrible mood!) and I just snapped. Decided that whether everyone or no one read this, I needed to get it out there to say that we all have terrible horrible no good very bad days and we need to talk about it occasionally.
Otherwise when you do you’ll feel very alone.
I know I’m late to the party, but I just wanted to tell you how much I LOVED this post. THANK YOU for being angry and venting even though there are starving children in Africa. I have such a hard time feeling my feelings sometimes because I think they are unjustified given the broader scope of problems in the world. But that doesn’t do any of us any good!
My favorite line: “Sometimes we have to be angry. We have to be mad. We have to get upset and talk about how we feel, and acknowledge that it’s ok to be in that place where you hate the world.” YES! And even better when you can vent over the phone (or IRL) with your slumber party friends.
PS – Latest countdown update: 4 weeks, 31 days, 756 hours and 45417 minutes BABY!!!!
.-= Jenny Blake´s last blog ..Jonah Lehrer: Why We Travel =-.
Jenny – You stated what I wanted to really say (other than I was rather pissed off) even better. It’s seeing all these posts about how there are SO many greater things to worry about and constantly shoving “perspective” down your throat.
I mean, seriously, do you think I’m such a heinous bitch that I REALLY don’t care about starving children ANYWHERE let alone Africa. Of course not. But who the hell are YOU to tell me that my feelings don’t matter or aren’t justified or not worthy because they aren’t big dramatic pulsating life-changing issues?!
Hi Elisa! Okay I’m super late to the party, but I find this post completely liberating and very brave. I’m kinda new to this whole blogging world and I think you may have single handedly given me the permission I needed to cut some of the BSB. (Bull Shit Blogging.) Thanks for throwing your honesty out there to the world. Everyone has the right to feel like hell and not give a damn about hungry babies somewhere else on the planet in that moment.
Maybe if I write a blog like this after having a day like that I won’t feel the need to eat 14 cookies because I’ve suppressed my feelings.
Val
PS- I just ate about 14 cookies.
Hey Valerie!
Never super late – this party don’t stop! What good are archives if you can’t dig through them, right?
I am SOOO excited to hear you say that, especially “being new to blogging”. I agree, there is a LOT of BSB out there. And it unfortunately translates to our real lives and mindset. Teaching us that we can only talk about the good stuff, never the bad. Which causes a bunch of homicidal maniacs.
We need to allow ourselves to feel, acknowledge and work through the bad stuff just as much as we celebrate, learn from and rejoice in the good.
Hi Elisa. I enjoy your blogs, and this one was funny. It was so long ago, so … I can say that. We have all been there. I just want to say that there is nothing wrong with having emotions. You are a passionate person , as am I. To deny that you get angry would be a lie. I don’t think you are a liar. So if you are angry, embrace your anger, else why bother?
We all enjoy being happy, but it does not last for ever; and we will be happy again someday. We get sick, we get better. We get tired, sad, angry , whatever. It is all normal, it is not forever, and it is okay. Just like the tide, there are ebbs and flows. Highs and lows. It isn’t good or bad, but is okay. But peace, calm, quiet is in between the highs and lows. In fact it is always there. We can embrace it all, because if we listen, peace is there, even among the passion. We can have peace in all things. We might as well enjoy it all, accept it and make peace with it. Nothing lasts for ever, and nothing of value ever dies.
Peace <3
Darcy – Fortunately, I have gotten past it. Just a bad night. 🙂
As you said (which I really appreciated) nothing of value ever dies. The stuff that matters will be there when we get out of our own way. Sometimes we lose a little perspective on that, but it doesn’t make us bad. Only human.