There’s a reason that Lucy only charged $.05 for her Psychiatric Booth.
For what she was charging, 83% of the world is dishing out for free.*
I’m not sure exactly why people feel compelled to share their advice and wisdom (i.e. inflict THEIR experience and situation onto YOUR loosely connected or similar situation). That somehow your circumstances will manifest into their exact outcome, even though you are two ENTIRELY different people with two ENTIRELY different lives.
I think that often people dole out advice because they are uncomfortable. As humans we don’t like to see other people suffering. But we don’t know what to do about it. We try to ease their suffering, to fix their problem. To move beyond the awkward uncomfortable place into one where everything is all right and everyone is happy again.
It happens so easily. You listen to someone’s story, you see them sad or angry or frustrated, and then you babble on about this one time that something a teeny tiny bit not really like that once happened to you.
It would be so much easier to listen to advice if it didn’t so often sound cliched and patronizing.
I talk to my SPIRLBFF Jenny Blake practically daily. (If you are reading that saying “What the hell is a SPIRLBFF, check out the backstory. It’s just easier.)
There are a lot of people who would give their left kidney or possibly a spleen to talk to Jenny daily.
Not only because she is awesome, but because she is a highly sought after life coach and personal development writer.
When we are chattering on about the latest shoes we purchased or the existential career crisis we are involved in or the new boy who has managed to get our heart a flutter, the conversations can get deep. Like 4 inch pumps with red soles deep.
The immediate urge is to talk things out and find solutions or make sense of it all.
But sometimes you just want to vent about the frustration of canceled dinner plans or a really annoying email.
Once Jenny asked me, and it has just become part of the conversation, this question: Do you want me to help/coach you or do you want me to be your friend.
Basically asking “Do you want my opinion or do you just want to spew obscenities for a few minutes until you feel better?”
Often times we are talking about things like we need help or guidance or advice, but in reality we already know exactly what we want to do.
People aren’t always trying to be condescending or annoying with their advice.
But it is sure hard to remind ourselves of that sometimes.
* 83% is merely a speculation based on 31 years of research.
Photo Credit: Unseen Portland :: Photo By ReneGaderen
I mean, I obviously love this post for a number of reasons:
1) Because I freakin’ love you!
2) Because our #SPIRLBFFship really is the best thing since sliced bread
but mostly
3) You hit the nail on the head!!! People don’t realize how intrusive and unhelpful unsolicited advice can be. It’s actually somewhat selfish (even if unintentional) when you think about it, because it’s advancing one’s own agenda instead of really listening for what the other person needs.
And this line: “There are a lot of people who would give their left kidney or possibly a spleen to talk to Jenny daily.” LMFAO! I might split a kidney that cracked me up so much.
<3 you!!
Well I freakin’ love you back so WIN!
😉
Intrusive is a very good way of describing unsolicited advice. Whether intentional or not, it absolutely invades your life and mind in a way that needs permission before going any further.
YES! This is SO true – especially in the cases of family members. I’ve come to the point where I won’t tell certain people somethings because I really, really do NOT want your two cents. And if I did, I’d specifically say, “I need you insight/opinion/thoughts on this”. When people give unsolicited advice, it feels more like people aren’t listening than anything else.
The pain and suffering of others makes people feel uncomfortable, so they often want to run to your rescue. But that can be (and honestly IS) significantly more damaging. I believe that the only person who can help you is you because you’re the one who has to live your life, not anyone else. NO ONE knows what’s going on in your heart or mind. How can they seriously advise you? They can only give you help on what they’re perceiving or on whatever it is that you tell them. Which – obviously – isn’t a complete picture.
So I’ve adopted this mentality: Don’t take advice from someone who isn’t living the life you want. The kind of person who you wouldn’t trade places with (in whatever section of life you’re complaining about).
Great post!
That is great advice, and a nice rule of thumb to follow when sifting through advice from others. Make sure to listen more (or give more weight) to the people who are living a life you want or believe in.
I struggle a LOT with allowing people to help and accepting the help so many offer so freely. Granted, there is a lot that can be politely declined, but for many (myself included) I think a lot of life’s struggles could be avoided if willing to lean on people when we need it.
Course I’m very much still working on that one. 🙂
Such good insight. I really love this.
I say something similar to my friends, since I am often come to “for advice,” where people literally say “Grace, I need advice, or your coaching or help.” HOWEVER – Sometimes I don’t know what to say, sometimes I just am there to listen and sometimes, I say nothing and just hold them because it’s what they need and want.
Thanks for the wonderful story and thoughts and…um, advice? 😉
Haha, isn’t that way with blogging? I almost included it, but it was a sort of unrelated sidebar. How contradictory it was to be complaining about people who offer advice and insight when I have an entire website that does JUST THAT!
I love this post. As always, you nailed it.
Unsolicited advice can really drive a wedge between friends. No matter how many times we remind ourselves that the other person does mean well… it’s one of the most irritating things. And that patronizing tone you identified is exactly it.
Humans are funny creatures. We want to help. We want to fix. But sometimes our friends just need us to listen. Learning how to do that (for real) is harder than it sounds.
Thanks for yet another articulate and thought-provoking post, Elisa!
Meredyth – Unsolicited advice totally can drive a wedge between friends. So sad but true. And then the patronizing tone comes out and the wedge drives even further.
Sometimes we DO just need someone to listen to us as we talk things out. I unfortunately find myself sometimes thinking that I want people’s advice and opinions when, in fact, I already know exactly what I want the answer to be! Talking it out is my way of thinking through and finalizing the outcome.
Thanks for the comment!