I don’t generally make a habit of re-posting old stuff I have written elsewhere, but this was from my (now defunct) dating and relationship column and I have spoken with at least half a dozen people about it in the past month. Time seemed right to share with a different group of readers.
Ever daydream about someone?
You know, those moments when your fantasy somehow goes spinning off beyond the rational reason you know you should employ and totally out of your control. When you see a celebrity on TV and your mind somehow flashes to the two of you walking on the red carpet. Or you have visions of your crush leaning across the table at a coffee shop for your first kiss. Or you make-up an entire wedding in your head after your third date with a boy you are convinced will be “the one” even though that absolutely crazy.
Limerence is a term that was coined in the 1970’s by a social scientist named Dorothy Tennov.
According to Wikipedia, “Limerence is an involuntary cognitive and emotional state of intense romantic desire for another person.”
It is more than just a simple one-time dream about someone you are attracted to. It’s a complete can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t think of anything else infatuation that sometimes overwhelms your entire sense of being.
And it’s a true medically defined (from the McGraw-Hill Concise Dictionary of Modern Medicine) affliction.
Just like love is something you have to detox from, it is something you can become addicted to as well.
Limerence is like licorice.
It’s got that sweet and interesting flavor that pulls you in, but there is something else. An aftertaste that you aren’t quite sure about.
It’s more than just liking or even loving someone.
The most prominent difference is that with limerence you are oblivious to often glaring truths. Things like the object of your affection might be married. Or might be obviously not interested in you.
Or they might even like you but “not as much” as you like them.
Limerence is what happens when you step over that line of affection and develop an attachment instead. It tastes sweet and syrupy when you are devouring the twisted strands.
As you peruse online sites for engagement rings and create a wishlist so your future spouse will know exactly what to buy you. As you drive down the highway and see the cute guy in the car passing you and imagine that you will both stop for coffee at the same rest stop. As you look over their Facebook page for some small inkling of what is happening in their life, closing your eyes and wishing as the clock turns 11:11 that fate will intervene and bring you two together again.
But that’s the rub with limerence. It is most often short-lived and temporary.
You have the thoughts in your mind and the stirrings in your heart (and sometimes regions of your body a bit south of there) but nothing real to hold at the end of the day. Limerence breaks your heart more than a broken heart does, because you never have the good memories to look back on.
Instead you only have your dreams.
And reality hits you with a bitter aftertaste.
Like a punch in the gut. Like a spear to the heart.
Like the black lingerings of licorice, stuck to your lips and impossible to wipe away.
Only time and a face scrub can wash it off.
Photo Credit – Daniel E. Johnson (Flickr)
ZOMG I TOTALLY DO THIS.
I didn’t know there was a word for it. I do it all the time with pretty much any one I fancy – fictional or real. It’s pretty great though. I actually enjoy it, and I don’t find reality to be a huge deterrent. I don’t particularly mind that Joseph Gordon-Levitt isn’t my REAL husband and that he probably has no idea that I exist. I DON’T CARE.
I find the feelings to be really refreshing and lovely. I’ve never experienced mutual affection with someone before, and I find this is a pretty great substitute.
Though – I honestly don’t care how other people interpret my obsession. Reality sucks and my interior world is significantly more awesome. AND I GET JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT.
Woot.
I LOVE JGL!!!
I have since he was on 3rd Rock, and then he was in 500 Days and Inception.
And I wanted him to know that if he just got to know me, I think we would have a wonderful life of never leaving our bedroom together.
But alas, I haven’t figured out how to get him that message yet. 😉
As a professional storyteller who majored in imagination, limerence is a dangerous job hazard. But it makes for some great plotlines!
Also some majorly sad broken hearts.
*squee* I LOVE HIM SO MUCH. He’s done a lot of Indie films too – which I’ve only heard good things about! I love his acting – soooo dreamy.
Hah! HE’S ON TWITTER! It’s called Hit Record or something. He only tweets stuff pertaining to his brand, they’re doing some show in Seattle right now and he is selling some book with a bunch of creative stuff in it. (Clearly I know a great deal about what he’s doing). BUT he’s there and you can talk to him. Kinda. I don’t know if he’ll respond. :3
Oh yes! It’s like – the only way to function, or else you’ll end up writing autobiographical fiction all the time.
I have to admit that Im really impressed with your site. It is easy to see that you are enthusiastic about your writing. If only I had your writing ability! I look forward to more updates and will be returning.
Wow, what a nice comment! Are you sure you aren’t a spambot? 😀
My writing is, and always has been, a changing process in growth. I hope to look back in 5 years at some of the stuff I’ve written here and know that I’ve come even further.
Thanks for the note – made my day!
What an amazing word, I’d never encountered it before.
I don’t think I’ve ever done this to the degree I’d call an “affliction,” but it’s certainly nice to let your mind wander in the direction of the best possible future interactions with someone, involving the best possible version of yourself–and probably more fun with someone you’ve just met or don’t know at all so your imagination has more to work with.
Thanks for the vocabulary lesson.
Thanks for stopping by!
I agree, there are some perfectly lovely things that limerence brings out in us. The ability to imagine the best possible versions of ourselves, the opportunity to dream of what we want from romance and relationships, the excitement of the possibility of “What If”.
Still, there is something to be said for accepting and adoring the reality we are in, and creating unrealistic situations to live up to.
Limerence…such a sticky sweet doubled-edged emotion!
My fiancé is limerant for a coworker. He admitted it to me three weeks ago. I felt like I was in a snow globe and it was shaken all up. I thought we had a good relationship in all areas, he even said I didn’t do anything wrong. Yet, here I am three weeks later and he refuses to implement no contact saying it would make him sad. She hugs him at work. What an HR nightmare! Other than that no other physical contact. I feel like I have been thrown into purgatory. I can’t go through life like this. I understand that men will be attracted to other women, however this is obsessive. And I feel absolutely horrible about myself now. Should I leave him?
I can’t tell you whether to end a relationship or not based on a comment; but I will say I’m so sorry to hear you are going through that. It sounds like a painful situation all around.
My only observation would be that it sounds (from this comment alone, so please know there is likely WAY more to consider in your situation) it seems like the person you are committing to spend the rest of your life with, isn’t understanding or respecting your feelings and fears. That probably is the thing that I’d be more concerned with. I have never gotten jealous over an ex’s interactions with women, but I’ve gotten upset when they needed to pursue the situations and continue to tell me about it. Then throw it back in my face, whether maliciously or just to relieve their own guilty conscious.