I sat silently staring out the window in the backseat of a speeding taxi taking me from my hotel in Manila to the airport.
Ready to “return stateside” for 2-3 months. It was like the equivalent of going belly up.
Six months seemed like a long time when I boarded a plane bound for Indonesia in January. As I feverishly packed my backpack at 4 AM to catch a 7:30 AM flight, I realized it had passed by in one of those “don’t blink or you’ll miss it” montages.
My taxi driver was a kind but unnecessarily chatty man for 4:45 in the morning. I probably should have taken the front desk up on their offer of coffee before I left. I could barely muster one word answers to keep up with his conversation.
“Where are you from darling?” (I found a number of Asian men called me darling. I have no idea where it comes from.)
“America.”
“Ah, America. You like Obama, yeah?” (This is not THE most common traveling question for young women, but damn just about every taxi driver I had asked me this. They fucking love that guy in Asia.)
“Yep.”
I shifted in my seat trying to avert his eyes glancing back at me in the mirror.
“Which terminal are you going to darling?”
“One. Delta.” Woohoo! Two whole words!
“Ah yes. Terminal 1 is ok, they are doing much work on it. The other terminals are newer. But you should be good to fly from there.” (Delta out of Terminal 1 in Manila is NOT good to fly from, FYI. It took me nearly 3 HOURS from the moment I walked through the airport doors to the moment I walked through my final security checkpoint – I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE CHECKED LUGGAGE!!)
“Thanks.”
More awkward silence. Poor guy, I could tell he was struggling to keep me entertained. I probably should have just let him know I was tired and asked for a quiet taxi ride. Saved us both from the ensuing breakdown.
The Most Common Traveling Question For Young Women
“Are you married darling?”
Elizabeth Gilbert wrote an entire diatribe (in my least favorite travel book ever) about people asking her this question in Bali. She hypothesized that it was because the Balinese are a very familial and community centered culture (true point) and thus they grill single young women about their marital status because they do not understand a person if they do not fit in to this system of marriage and family (a bit of a stretch) and will judge and shun you if you do not (total fallacy).
Funnily enough Liz wrote about how she was constantly asked and judged and questioned about her divorced/single nature in all the other countries she visited, but apparently only the Balinese were doing it due to their quaint traditional culture. Sorry, I’ll retract my snark now…
Because if I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if I am married while I was traveling I would be able to extend my travel adventures based on that inquiry fund so that I could continue getting asked if I am married. Both domestically and internationally.
It’s like the Circle Of Life, nosy relationship style.
I asked a few of the guys I travel with. General consensus is that they don’t really get asked this question as much as I do. Or more accurately they are not subject to the subsequent drilling of questions and attempts to “fix” their toxic single status. Could just be the guys I hang with, but it seems to come up more for the girls.
“Nope.” I set my lips in a straight line with my response. This was really not the time for this conversation.
“Oh. You must have a boyfriend then.”
“Nope.” I felt the choking sensation starting in my throat and the wetness brimming at the corners of my eyes.
He jerked his eyes up to the rearview mirror in a confused sort of horror.
“But you are so pretty? Why don’t you have a man? How can you be happy?”
Yep. There it goes.
Returning to the States and a 4 AM abrupt wake-up alarm and a history of being unable to commit to a shade of lip-gloss let alone an entire relationship and a myriad of other emotions and thoughts exploded in the backseat of this poor guy’s taxi. I doubled over heaving with sobs and gasping for air.
I had gotten my passport to travel internationally for the first time to live as an independent young woman abroad.
I had fought a crew of tiny Asian women who jumped me in a club, a cab driver who locked me in his vehicle demanding that I pay his extortion fare, a motorcycle accident with subsequent leg infection and emergency knee surgery, a month of bed-rest and hobbling around the slanted sidewalks of Bali on crutches, living in a seedy hotel in the cheapest sex tourism corner of the city, exhausting myself snorkeling against a strong current with a bad knee an being unable to swim back to the boat…the list of my struggles and triumphs while traveling goes on.
Yet here it was. None of that mattered since I am a pretty and single girl.
“I’m sorry darling. I will find you a husband. A nice Filipino boy. I have a nephew. He works in an office. Very accomplished. When you coming back to Manila? I will have him take you out. He will make you happy.”
I rarely know what to do when I encounter a crying girl. I’m pretty sure this guy was ready to pull over and find the first available man walking the streets of Malate at 5 AM so I would stop sobbing in his backseat. This was much worse than the time the taxi driver in Bali offered to be my boyfriend as nonchalantly as he would ask if I wanted him to bring my laundry to the cleaners.
I took a deep breath and steadied myself. Turned off my emotions and sat up straight again. I don’t even want a boyfriend, let alone a husband.
“Thank you. I’m just tired I think.”
The truth is people ask young women this for multiple reason that have absolutely nothing to do with the woman. They don’t understand a culture where women are over 30 years old and single. In most societies (including the local municipal supper crew and reality show obsessed in the United States) “finding happiness” is defined by your ability to settle down with someone.
I get it. I actually believe at the end of the day all you need is love.
This world is filled with good people.
Good people want you to be happy.
Even if that means jumping right over the boundaries of conversation with strangers to make sure you have enough love in your life.
Very interesting topic. I hadn’t considered it much, but I started thinking about where I’ve been asked a similar question.
In the States, Canada and Europe, I haven’t been asked in casual conversation with strangers if I was married. In Sri Lanka and just recently in the Philippines, I was frequently asked, “Do you have a family?” The less asked version was, “Are you married?” or “Do you have a wife?”
I don’t have any cultural insights. I just thought it interesting the difference in how the question was phrased.
I have to say I got it in the States a bit as well. Usually the “You must have a boyfriend” line of commenting rather than the “Are you settled down in love and marriage and happiness?” Funny, in the US I feel it is much more judgey wherein overseas it is a way of asking about your lot in life and happiness.
Yep, I think it’s their hope for you to be happy. I do think it’s narrow minded at times. I mean, that’s not the end all be all only way to be happy. I recently reread the children’s picture book Miss Rumphius (I always called the book the Lupine Lady) and was delightfully surprised to see a well-lived, full life of someone who had never settled down to be married. There was this strong undertone I’d never seen in the book till I read it at age 26. I highly recommend it, and the illustrations are beautiful, too.
Miss Rumphius lived in Maine. I’ve read that book possibly a thousand times. Love it! Didn’t realize til I read it last year to a classroom in CA for Read Across America how my path was diverting alongside hers. Maybe a subconscious piece of me remembered that story and loved it?
It’s definitely not the only way to be happy – agreed! I’m happy just being me and living life. It’s a bit narrow-minded, yes. But at least their motivation is good. I cannot say the same for the inquisition by my aunt at Thanksgiving dinners. 😛
My cabbie asked me too.
Yeah, Dan A noted that he gets asked it a ton as well. I guess you guys get the question just as often, but the ensuing drill of questions and attempts at arranged marriages and dates are reserved more for the girls. 🙂
I agree totally with this. A similar question I’m asked very often, whenever someone finds out that I do have a boyfriend and yet am traveling alone, is, “Why isn’t he traveling with you?” Just can’t please anyone, can we?
I often wonder if married/”taken” girls would get questioned in an even different way. Do they continue with the questioning trying to “understand” or do they just take your answer and nod and move on?
Usually when I say that I like traveling alone, they’ll nod and move on. Especially girls, they usually say it’s awesome. Occasionally some guy will say something like, “Wow, isn’t he brave for letting you go off alone?” and on a good day I’ll be able to come up with some sort of retort and be really impressed with myself.
Haha, I’ve been there. The days you have a great retort to it. I wish I could catalog them for use in the future!
“Good people want you to be happy,” is the best summary ever.
It is a universal that is constantly reinforced as I travel. It is so easy to focus on the bad parts of life, but the reality is that good exists far more than evil