As a girl, I find myself riled up and frustrated sometimes when I hear guys talk about how bitchy girls can be.
I think part of the reason I get so angry, though, is not because I always disagree. The same way I think a lot of guys can be jerks sometimes, I find that women can be pretty bitchy. In fact, I often find myself nodding and agreeing that I don’t spend as much time with girls as guys because I had been too privy to mean-girl bullying (as grown ups, ladies, come on now!) in my years.
Take, for example, a recent project that a fashion designer reached out to me about on Kickstarter. Having seen a couple things I had Tweeted about my slightly more active lifestyle here in Bali (meaning not in a bar drinking bourbon Thursday-Sunday nights and eating White Cheddar Cheez-Its Monday-Wednesday nights) and my unfortunate near miss involving almost losing my swimsuit bottoms in the pool (best fad diet ever, this whole massive-leg-infection-emergency-knee-surgery-rack-body-with-antibiotics plan I went on), Christy reached out to me about a new bikini she had designed that was specifically made to stay in place.
Interested, and not trying to endorse anything at all since I hadn’t seen an actual product (though Christy did kindly offer to send me a pair of bikini bottoms so I would be able to dive into the pool or feel safe frolicking at the beach without loosing my briefs!), I posted the link a few places and said “Pretty cool idea, check it out.”
OT Surf – Wardrobe malfunctions be damned! (My guy friends were devastated)
With the link came the image above to the Kickstarter campaign video, and on the campaign page itself were more photos of 3 very different body typed models. One with an average body, one fit and big-busted, and one so toned she could probably hold her own in a Thai street fight.
With the link also came a few responses that raised the hairs on the back of my neck and re-affirmed my complete belief in the whole “girls can be so bitchy.”
Women questioned how the swimsuit could possibly do what it claimed, because the girls in the pictures were way too skinny to model anything that a “real woman” could wear. Completely bypassing the whole this-woman-designed-a-swimsuit-to-fulfill-a-need-she-saw-and-is-trying-to-build-a-business-now-to-help-other-active-women-what-the-eff-are-we-doing-with-our-lives aspect of my posting. Forgetting that women come in all shapes and sizes, even fit and skinny ones
I’ll admit, I used to be one of those mean girls. One of my signature phrases to “too skinny” women was “Someone feed that poor thing a Twinkie.”
The truth is, I used to do that shit because I was so insecure about the way *I* looked. How I looked , how I felt (tired, lethargic, sore when wearing pants that squashed my stomach at the waistband), how other people in society saw me (the 23-year-old I dated last summer (Ladies, special note, if you are over 30 and single, get to dating a 23-year-old who is a little more mature than my 23-year-old (you are welcome!)) asked me late one night why my arms were so toned on top and so “floppy” underneath). and how unhealthy I knew I was. Swimming against the current in a genetic pool that rivals the dirty water of the Charles River, being uber-fit is really my only hope against illness at a very young age.
Eating Cake and #Ogling – Different Worlds
I have not been so severely unhappy with myself since the summer of 2009, when I weighed nearly 100 pounds more than I do right now. That was probably when I was the bitchiest to other women. Somehow thinking that those skinny and fit girls were in the wrong made me feel more in the right.
Looking back, I wonder how that belief is any worse than a company thinking I’m lazy and will steal all the morning donuts if they hire me cause I’m too chunky to fit in to an office chair in my interview. Or guys always viewing me as the friend they have to endure to hit up the hot girl. Or shopping in completely different stores than everyone else because regular clothes don’t fit you.
It is almost funny to me, as I type this from my room in Bali, where all my girlfriends are tiny little adorable waifish Asian girls that make me look like a gargantuan albino Sasquatch with a Twinkie problem. If anything, I should be angrier and meaner now. There’s no way I fit in here. I’m not an idiot. I know I am the size of two of my friends put together. Maybe even two-and-a-half of them (where’s my sitcom, CBS?!). In reality, I should probably feel worse about myself. But I’m actually pretty happy.
If we have society, men’s sex dreams, magazines, advertising, Hollywood, and a plethora of other stresses tearing us apart at our stretch-mark laden seams, why are we further cutting each other down by hating other women?
As I said, I don’t know much about Christy or her product. Heck, she could be sitting on the beach pointing and laughing at every chubby woman in a one-piece while injecting ephedrine straight into her blood system.
But I don’t get that impression.
She seems like a sincere genuine girl who loves surfing and traveling and hates having to constantly adjust her bikini top every time she moves more than 2 inches from staid upright position. This suit probably isn’t for me. I haven’t owned a bikini since I was approximately 12 years old and my huge rack wouldn’t fit into those cups if they were goblets.
That doesn’t mean that I don’t admire the hell out of her for chasing a dream and doing what it takes to make that happen.
And it hurts my heart a little that anyone would rather focus on what a couple models on a page look like than the fact that this girl is trying to make something happen.
Ladies, let’s not give people a reason to think we’re bitchy.
Stereotypes exist for a reason, and there’s no need for us to reinforce that one.
I really love this post. Well put 🙂
And I also agree that typically, any type of anger or judgment comes from insecurity…I try to remember that about myself. Not really sure why saying some bitchy thing solves anything. At all.
xo
Very true. Rarely are haters motivated by any REAL outward hatred, it is a projection of something they are struggling with. A sarcastic personality, I struggle to not fall into the habit of snark myself. Really what Christy said in her comment is sage advice – treat others as you would want to be treated. 🙂
Wow… I had no idea. I remember seeing your tweet asking women not to hate on skinny girls, but I didn’t realize it was in reply to your share on our campaign! That makes me a little sad. I had no idea that something I am so passionate about could rub people the wrong way.
I’ve had a lot of eye opening moments since we launched our line. Some have been good, but many of them have been extremely negative. It’s enough to make a girl want to give up! 🙂 I won’t go into detail about the comments we have gotten because I’m trying not to dwell on them and sometimes it’s hard to look at things objectively when you care so much about something.
I really appreciate you writing this post and being so honest. I understand if women don’t feel comfortable wearing a bikini and I realize our product is not for everyone. I have plenty of friends who won’t be caught dead in a bikini and I can completely relate! I don’t absolutely love my body, but I try not to hate the women with perfect bodies because I’m sure there are things they wish they could change about themselves as well. The grass is rarely ever greener.
I think you are right on. Women should to start supporting each other instead of tearing each other down. I’m guilty of feeling jealous at times and I’ve had my moments of hating other women, but I try to treat people the way I would hope to be treated and I guess that is all I can do.
So you saw me on the beach shooting up ephedrine? Damn.. I thought nobody was watching! 😀
I can’t thank you enough for writing this post!
xx
Christy
That makes me so sad Christy, I wish that this were a more exciting and happy experience for you. Starting any business is hard, but having to deal with bitchy commentary makes it even harder. Great attitude to not dwell. Haters gonna hate, that’s their shit not ours.
Being in SE Asia I might be the only person not wearing a bikini on the beach (I have a basic black tankini) so I get where your friends are coming from. Maybe I’ll eventually get to a place that I’m a bit more confident to strut in a true two piece again, it’ll take a lot more plank poses and a lot less Circle K saran wrapped brownies though!
Beyond women supporting each other, I think people should just support each other. I mean, think of what we could accomplish if we weren’t always trying to undermine and overcome each other. Limitless! And yes, the treating others as you want to be treated. Such important advice to remember. I try to live it, some days harer than others. I’m by no means perfect in that arena.
As for the ephedrine, sorry. I know I said I wouldn’t blow your cover but it needed to be said! 😛
Good luck with the campaign and business. And good for you for chasing a dream. That’s more than most will ever be willing and daring enough to do with their lives. That in itself is pretty frickin’ awesome!
Boss stuff, great piece. Unfortunately for your hardcore writer brand, you are a sweetheart.
Shhhh, you’re ruinin’ my street cred Andrews!
Ack! I am late to the game on this but so happy to hear that you’re recovering from your knee surgery. I laughed at your comment about being sick being the best fad diet. I lost 20lbs in a month via a trek in Nepal that ended with violent food poisoning. I gained it all back over the next few months but it was kind of neat to suddenly have my clothing hanging off of me.
I have to say that I’ve worn bikinis at any/every weight because I think they’re comfortable. That doesn’t mean I’m comfortable being seen in one. I made a friend’s husband delete a photo of all of us on the beach in Vietnam because I was nervous about a bikini shot of me getting posted on Facebook. Made him swear that I would only be captured that day from above the neck.
And the upper arm fat comment, yeah, I’ve heard that from a guy before. Age wasn’t even a factor. They just don’t get it.
Haha, no worries on being late on the knee surgery. I’m still recovering so well wishes are still very welcome. 🙂
Yeah, it is crazy the amount of weight I’ve lost. Having no scale for the past 6 months I had been tracking measurements and took some today for comparison (and cause I need to buy new lingerie as well, none of these bras come close to fitting any more!). Apparently I’ve lost nearly 12 inches from the various parts of my body while improving the muscle areas (forearm, neck, etc.). Have to say, having experienced this just yesterday, it’s all fun and games until you almost lose your swimsuit bottoms in a riptide like I almost did yesterday at the beach!
That’s interesting that you’ve worn bikinis cause they are comfortable. I’ve got to say that yesterday for the first time (maybe cause I was more aware with this whole “writing about bikinis and swimsuits” thing) that I am constantly fidgeting with the tank material of my tankini. When it is wet it is clingy and kinda irksome. I guess I hadn’t really paid attention to that before. Maybe I’ll end up in that bikini sooner rather than later (Jenny *is* bringing stuff out to Bali for me when she comes in May)
As for the arm fat, considering the *ahem* situation we were in he shouldn’t have been saying anything to me but extremely grateful and wonderful things about me and my body. Whatever happened to all those interview articles where guys SWEAR they aren’t getting hung up on how a woman looks in bed, they’re just so excited to be there? 😛
I think it’s amazing how many of my friends, and of course myself, end up up coming across as bitchy when we’re trying to make ourselves feel better (the insecurities become blatant condemnations of others who aren’t like us). Elisa, you’re very right, and I love how you pointed out that even “someone feed that girl a twinkie” is judgmental. Before this, I would have just thought it was funny. Sheesh. We can be bitchy and not even know it!
It’s easy to fall in to the trap of cutting other people down to make ourselves feel better. I’d venture it is a part of the human psyche. Somehow ingrained in our precious little girl minds by society and just about any other source kicking around. The only way we can be *right* is if someone else is *wrong*.
I will say, for bitchiness I also think there’s a certain level of intention that has to accompany as well. Sure, I made the Twinkie comment to be funny. But I meant it to condemn them. There’s a whole new level of bitchy that comes in to play when you “mean it”.