There’s two kinds of selfish in the world. There’s the selfish that makes you want to look someone in the eye, punch them in the face and leave them for the rest of the wolves so that you can benefit and then there’s the other kind of selfish. A lot of people argue that differentiating between the two is sorta like trying to figure out which of the 7 sins is the worst. Selfish is selfish, and convincing yourself anything different is just trying to make yourself feel better about being selfish.
I am one, however, that really does feel that there’s a legitimate second (and better) selfish in the world. It’s the selfish that makes Boy Scouts learn to help others in the name of getting more merit badges on their sash. It’s the selfish that makes famous celebrities sell swag and tickets in their online store for a guy trying to figure out the craziness that is the healthcare system. It’s the selfish that makes you stop hiking halfway up a mountain because going any further is just not going to be safe for you.
I am the quintessential “nice person.” When asked at a corporate workshop for words to “describe” me, the most frequently used were: nice, friendly, smiling. This was especially interesting in my workplace, as the people in my workshop generally do not always see me in this light. This makes me sad sometimes. It’s hard to live as a dichotomy, a nice person wrapped in a corporate raiding body.
Which is why I sometimes wonder about my motivation for being a nice person. See, part of it is the way I was raised. My parents taught me to abide fastidiously to the Golden Rule and to offer my help anyone who needed it. So I grew up in a world of nice. As I got older, however, I realized an even better reason to continue being nice to others. It just makes me feel good. It takes way too much time and energy to try to be angry and mean, and for most folks with a soul, it just leaves you feeling bad at the end of the day. I’ll be the first to say, I’m nice because it makes me feel…well…nice.
Then there’s the second half of the good selfish coin, the selfish that makes you stop in your tracks and actually take care of yourself rather than letting life walk all over you. Notice I say “life” rather than others/friends/family. Most of the time, friends and family don’t mean to disrespect your time/feelings/energy, they just do. It’s the curse of being a “nice guy/girl” – you get so wrapped up in being nice that you try to please everyone. Occasionally you have to take a step back and say that magical tiny word, “No.”
Unfortunately there are those out there in the world that don’t think any type of egoist altruism is a good thing. That if you are going to benefit from an act in any way, then the act itself must be tarnished. In our land of lies and cynicism it has almost become easier to not believe in anything good and always wonder about people’s ulterior motives.
But you know what? If this other kind of selfish is wrong…well, then, I just don’t want to be right.
Do you think there are two different kinds of selfish behaviors? Is one good or is selfishness ALWAYS bad regardless of the motivation
Elisa: This is so interesting, and I love how it ties in with my post about being nice without being a pushover (thanks for the link!). Although it may seem selfish to do something for others that will also benefit you, or make you feel good, I don't think it is. If your primary reason for doing nice things is a selfless one, then everything else is just an added benefit. Great post!
You are so right on about two kinds of selfish. It's so easy to become a "doormat" if you view ALL selfishness as wrong. More often than not, taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of others.
Great post!
I think both Sam and Marie are right. I also think that if your primary benefit is selfless, then the way it makes you feel after is just gravy.
And "taking care of yourself is the best way to take care of others," is so true. Sometimes the disadvantageous of being "overly nice" is you're nice to someone who really needs it and in turn they become really clingly and it isn't someone you'd ordinarily associate with – you were just trying to be nice. For me, this is always a tough situation.
Interested to hear if others have had similar problem and how they approach it?
Sam – Well, your post definitely spurred this post on. After I read yours, it was the final link I needed to finish this one that had been in my drafts for 2 months. Great post yourself!
Marie – I sometimes feel like I have doormat stamped across my forehead! But you are so right, we are of no use to others if we are not at 100% ourselves. Plus, I think after awhile even the most caring and compassionate of people will begin growing resentful. And that's just not good for anyone!
Ryan – I'd love to offer a more substantial opinion, but please note my comment to Marie above regarding my doormat-iness! I've been fortunate enough to have very few clingy people in my life, though they definitely are there. Sometimes it's easiest to gently ween the clingy person off you by slowly being unavailable to them. Course, sometimes, you just have to grin and bear the crazy (depending on the level and situation, e.g. slightly crazy very big client)
Brava, Elisa! I love the distinctions you make in the concept of selfish. In coaching women leaders, I often will invoke this term to get them to make the leap to self-care-ville. As women, I find this is a such a loaded word for us and can often keep us from staying whole, staying healthy and staying happy – basic human rights. I'm also finding the "catch all" beoader definition of selfish can be a convenient way for us to not take responsibility for our own lives – our own happiness, our own health. To go ahead and "be selfish" as you define it and as I invite women in my practice is to come out from behind our own shadow(s) and claim responsibility for ourselves. Like – said, Brava!
It is great to see the lessons taught are so wonderfully articulated. You continue to make your mother and I very proud of you and what you have become.
You are absolutely right in that there is nothing wrong in doing something for someone because it makes you feel better about yourself. Why do most people give to charity or participate in charity events (walks and such). It makes them feel better about themselves which is selfish. But that does not stop them from doing so. True they also do it because they know the charities need the support but I wonder which is the stronger reason.