“We get nothing. We get a generation of women raised by their parents with no idea how to cook, how to dress and how to keep up your half of the arrangement.”
Such was the language of a recent post on the Brazen Careerist site that has, at the time of this blog post, over 150 comments. The post, entitled “What Happened to Femininity” by Tyler Hurst was inflammatory to say the least. Tyler bemoaned the lack of girls in their summer clothes (sundresses and pony tails) perhaps a little less eloquently than The Boss. His continued responses with little substance probably didn’t help.
While I was quite offended by the delivery Tyler’s message, I couldn’t help but partially see where he was coming from. Especially as I began reading over 150 responses. Many of these women (rightfully irked by a guy trying to tell us essentially throw on a pretty dress, tie your hair in ribbon and get into the kitchen to make him some pie) retaliated in their comments by telling him essentially that dresses and heels and long hair are just a way of men trying to keep women in their place and that no woman actually enjoys those things.
I then began to feel assaulted from all sides, both men and women. Its a difficult tight rope to walk as woman. See, I feel empowered and feminine and…well…pretty. Yes, I said it. When I look pretty I feel empowered. This 
isn’t to say that I don’t spend a majority of my time in jeans and a t-shirt/sweater (hey, I live in Maine, it isn’t always t-shirt weather!) but when it comes to business clothes I tend to defer to the “girlie.” Whether it is right or wrong, my “girlie” clothes get many more compliments (from both sides of the gender fence) than my pants suits or Mary Jane flats.
Somehow, in the “progress” of taking women from the kitchen to the board room we’ve gotten it into our mind that we aren’t allowed to be “feminine” to feel as powerful. Please note I don’t refer to this as “feminism” because I still adhere to that crazy notion that feminism simply means that women want to be treated equally.
As we’ve “progressed” our way along, though, the idea of being feminine seems to have gotten lost in translation. Now, women are supposed to buy into a “long-held history” that uses skirts to cripple and impede their advancement and bring down their gender. My longer hair is shunned, and has led to dangerous situations involving “assault by ponytail.” A woman is no longer supposed to be nurturing or compassionate, that is no longer part of her inherent nature but a way society has kept her in the home and out of the working force by imposing a gender role on her.
Unfortunately, I know many women who are the exact OPPOSITE of all these ideals. I wear the skirt and heels and eyelet lace top and can be one of the biggest bitches to deal with in the workplace. I have very little tolerance for ignorance or lack of initiative and get very vocal about it. One of the sweetest, most caring and benevolent women I know wore her first suit ever today and it was a pants suit. Otherwise she wears khakis and trousers to work and owns only one skirt that she bought for a wedding.
Furthermore, what are we as women saying about our sisters who make the decision to stay at home and raise their kids. I don’t have kids myself, but I can tell you I’ve NEVER met a Mom who wasn’t working. Should they feel less accomplished because they DO know how to cook and clean?
Why does one thing need to lead to the other? Why can someone who is feminine not be a successful and shrewd business woman? And why is it believed that the short haired, black pant suit woman cannot be nurturing? Why does it always have to be about the “label” that we associate with one style or another.
And most importantly to me, before I step into my next executive management-level meeting as the successful business woman that I have worked very hard become (because I obviously want to make sure I portray the right impression) – when did a skirt become a sign of weakness?
I, too, read the original post but chose not to comment there. My first thought on reading it was that another guy with man-boobs and a flabby gut wants US to look pretty for him. And I didn’t want to say that, since of course I have no idea what the author looks like – perhaps he is a ripped hunk! But…somehow I doubt it.
Your remarks, however, take the topic somewhere more interesting. The bottom line, of course, is that appearance does mean something, and expectations are often generated by appearance, whether we like it or not or think it is fair or not. My personal experiences have shown me this and I have altered my appearance because of it.
I have naturally blonde curly hair, big boobs, and am a software engineer who works in large office settings dealing with a multitude of people. I am generally a happy person and I tend to smile a lot. I also have a strong, decisive personality and don’t suffer fools gladly. I have no hesitation in speaking up, speaking out, and taking charge. If I am in a group that is trying to accomplish something and there is not already an obvious leader in place, I automatically take over and lead the group.
When I first started in my profession I wore skirt suits for a professional appearance, yes, but chose soft feminine suits, blouses, and accessories in my favorite pinks, mauves, blues, etc. And I had quite a problem with people. When I first met someone they seemed to like me and like working with me, but that would quickly change. Suddenly there would be discord and they would be unhappy with me, and there would be tension, stress, and so forth. My technical expertise was never in question (this wasn’t a “dumb blonde” issue), so it took several years for me to figure out why the change of attitude – it was because my appearance did not match my personality.
I believe that, in my case, our culture had set up a basic expectation that a smiling perky blonde dressed in soft feminine colors and clothing is someone who would be always pleasant and obliging and amiable and who would defer to whatever the other person wanted. Based on my appearance they were expecting this type of girl. When my strong personality made itself known they would be thrown for a loop, as the saying goes. Like petting a cute little kitten only to find out that it was really a tiger that just ate your arm.
So I changed my appearance. I bought suits in grey and camel and navy instead of pink and cream and mint green. Still skirt suits, yes, but more tailored in appearance and color. I bought silk tees and shells instead of blouses with ruffles and bows. And I kicked my makeup up a notch. Yes, I always wear a full face of makeup – I love being a woman – but a bright coral lipstick has a lot more punch than a pale pink lipstick.
I generally buy my clothes during one or two shopping trips, once in the spring and once in the fall, so I was able to make this change very quickly during my fall shopping trip that year. I immediately noticed an improvement in my dealings with people, and when meeting and working with someone new the relationship stayed on an even keel – no sudden changes because I no longer clashed with their perceived expectations of me.
So now I project an image more in keeping with my personality. I always feel very feminine but now I feel even more powerful. And frankly, I don’t care if someone with whom I am doing business thinks I am feminine or not. I don’t care if they think I am nurturing or not. I do care if they think I can do my job or not.
As for my personal life, I found that when I dressed “stronger”, I attracted men with stronger personalities. No more tiptoeing around some man trying not to crush his poor little ego, no more trying to hang back so he could maybe, hopefully, please show some assertiveness for once. I am happy to say that my husband has as strong a personality as I do and loves me for it. He is happy to have someone that HE doesn’t have to tiptoe around. We sometimes bump heads figuring out who is going to take charge in a particular situation but have so far resolved it without blood shed.
So, no, I don’t think a skirt is a sign of weakness, providing it is the right skirt for the job.
Camellia
P.S. – Thanks! I think I’ve just written the next posting for my blog!