Holy hell, did you see what happened over on the Stratejoy blog a week or so ago?!
The sweet perky “Strategies for Real Joy to Live an Authentically Happy Life” site was rocked when Dusti Arab wrote about a topic that frankly wasn’t really joyful or happy.
Dusti, who is (I believe) is just starting the second trimester of her 2nd pregnancy, wrote about the testing that is done to determine if there is anything that parents/doctors/etc should be concerned about.
I don’t think it tests to see if the baby is an evil spawn of an alien race, but I could be wrong. Have you seen those 3D sonogram things? I’m pretty sure some of those are alien spawn.
Apparently they do this test at 20 weeks so that the parents can make the difficult decision if something comes up about whether they want to proceed with the pregnancy.
Dusti, being young and healthy, decided to opt against the testing. As she peeled back the layers of her protective shell and exposed a very vulnerable and raw feeling, she fired off a shot heard round the Stratejoy world:
That said, if I did have a baby with an irreversible birth defect, I would give it up for adoption.
As the daughter of a special education teacher and childcare provider, I nearly choked reading that statement.
I know so many wonderful “birth defected” (horrible term, FYI) people that flat out add to their family and friends’ lives in a way that the rest of us will never be able to begin to contribute.
Yet a part of me understood where Dusti was coming from, especially after reading the rest of the post.
It was not so much that she wouldn’t want or love a baby with special needs.
It was that she was worried she wouldn’t be equipped as a parent to provide for those needs in a way her baby deserved.
Sure, that might be semantics to some.
But I get it.
At the ancient approaching spinster age of 31, I announced to my parents on Mother’s Day that they should probably be prepared for the reality that I might not provide them the grandbabies that I know they so desperately want (Happy Mother’s Day family…)
This isn’t because I have taken some imaginative ticking clock and tossed it out the window in a heaving sob of dying alone only to be eaten by cats act of finality because there is no way I’ll ever make babies with the “limited time” I have left.
Nor do I hate kids and want to kick them in the street. In fact, I rather enjoy the company of my friends’ kids. You know, cause I can give them back eventually.
There are plenty of amazing women out there who do this. And kick ass at it.I am in awe of them, but I certainly am not one of them.
Having been essentially single for almost a decade, I am pretty set in my ways. Additionally, I’m a pretty selfish person.
Not in the “I steal candy from babies and eat it in front of them laughing maniacally” selfish way, but in the “I don’t really want to give up stuff for anyone or anything” selfish way.
I hear kids involve a pretty big commitment. At least if you want to raise them good. And stuff.
I read through the “Dusti, you are a heinous bitch and should go jump in front of moving cars” comments and I noticed a common thread among a lot of them.
Basically, as a woman who calls herself a feminist, Dusti should have been ashamed that she would not want to nurture another human being.
I’m sorry.
Did I miss the Feminist Camp workshop where the only way to be a feminist was to nurture and mother and love?
Cause I’m a sweet, empathetic, loving person. I’ve been called all those things.
I’ve also been called a heinous bitch like Dusti, and I’m pretty sure people wanted me to go die in traffic.
It is one of the most frustrating things about being in this rah-rah power circle of woman power called Feminism.
After you get defined there (I personally prefer Daria’s definition: “People call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute“) then you get siphoned off into one of two camps:
Tough as Nails Shrewd Uncaring Bitch or Warm and Fuzzy Nurturing Mother Earth Loving Goddess.
And once you fall into one, then jeezus, the people on the other side fucking hate you.
We might as well be Hatfields and McCoys up in this Feminist Camp.
I for one applaud the hell out of Dusti for daring to be nurturing enough to open discussion on a topic that would certainly paint her in a shrewd uncaring bitch light but got a lot of people thinking and feeling. (That I happen to completely disagree with, but I’ll go down swinging for her right and courage to say it.)
And to Molly for weathering a shit-storm of backlash from her community that apparently had a hard time understanding how someone could think such unnatural and NOT-JOYFUL woman thoughts. Stratejoy is about happy things, but it is also about navigating your quarter-life crisis. Last I checked, a crisis does not inherently imply happiness.
Are there really traits and beliefs that are so inherent to women that if you don’t have them you are “wrong”?
Seriously.
Did I miss a workshop at Feminist Camp?
Cause I’ll go back and listen. If nothing else, I at least want to see what all this fuss is about.
Or am I just a bad feminist, like Dusti?
* Note – I understand that by posting the background on Dusti’s post and feelings you might be compelled to unleash a litany upon her or me for bringing up the alleged “some babies deserve to be loved more than others” thread. You could not be MORE wrong, that is neither Dusti nor my belief, and if you want to contribute to that discussion please feel free to meander over to Stratejoy.
Once you are done two-centsing, check out some of the other stuff there, because the site is pretty awesome and has lots of great content other than “baby up for adoption” threads.
Photo Credit: Wasn’t I a darn cute kid? See? I liked myself as a toddler. That’s worth something.
Standing ovation. And how can I simultaneously hug you an Dusti? Just read through the comments over there and I want to barf. And not terribly impressed with Stratejoy, not because she published it, but because she allowed so many hateful comments to continue. Talk about a bad taste in my mouth.
I don’t want kids, so sue me. I have zero desire to be a mother. So sue me.
Put me in the shrewd bitch camp, I suppose, because I’m only loving and nurturing and a goddess to my boyfriend and our Puggle.
Hey Sydney – I bet you are an amazing goddess to your boyfriend and Puggle. I don’t even have a cactus to nurture, so I for one admire the hell out of you!
I will note, I was frustrated with Molly’s handling of the immediate situation. But at the same time, I cannot even imagine waking up, logging onto my site, and seeing 70+ angry comments on a post I already disagreed with.
I think she made a good decision posting Dusti’s thoughts. I think she made an understandable decision allowing the angry comments, letting the community work through their feelings on their own. I loved her wrap up post the next week.
I definitely didn’t post this to leave a bad taste with people, Stratejoy does have a ton of other great content. Molly runs a great site, and I think that even though this was a shining example of the not-so-goodness that people can have, it probably made the site stronger.
Great post Elisa!
As a woman well into her early “spinster years” many just make the assumption I have children…because, you know, that’s what we are supposed to do by this age? Huh? Every new person I meet usually asks some form of “are you married?” and “how many kids do you have?” I know those questions are usually intended to make small talk, but it does get old trying to explain “why” I don’t have children. Like you, I do like children, but right now I like me more. And I don’t see a single thing wrong with women who make that same choice.
I also wanted to applaud Dusti for bringing adoption into the conversation. I don’t care what the reason, if a mother/parents have a child and decide they are not ready to be a parent, why on earth would the idea of placing the child up for adoption, so they could be raised by a family that very much wants to have child, be seen as anything but heroic?
Being adopted myself, I feel incredibly lucky my mother wasn’t persuaded to believe she was obligated to keep me, just because that’s what women are supposed to do. I’m sure it takes a lot of courage to be a parent, but I know for sure it took heaps of it for some women/parents to decide not to be.
We are all incredible in our own right, so thanks Elisa and Dusti for getting this conversation going – too bad some are taking a negative view on it, but for my part, I sincerely appreciate you putting this out there!!
– Jennifer
Jennifer – I can’t agree with you more! I didn’t want to take the already dicey discussion topics here and go even further with the adoption conversation, but yes yes YES!
I know that there are adopted children out there who absolutely grew up with that ache or pain thinking that they were “not wanted” or unloved. But I also know many adopted kids who were brought up with the knowledge and understanding that their birth parent(s) loved them so much that they wanted them to have a life that they might not be able to provide. And that they are loved SO MUCH that someone wanted them to be a part of their family and conscientiously decided to create a life that involved them.
That’s a powerful legacy to have and system of love to grow up with. I for one am always blown away by the way adoption can make families whole. It is absolutely not about “not wanting” someone*. It is about wanting what is best for them.
* Yes yes, I acknowledge that some people give children up for adoption because they are reprehensible human being that just plain don’t want to be hassled with a kid that they brought into the world. I truly believe that people like that are an exception, not a rule.
Stellar post, Elsa! I really don’t want children and I don’t particularly like to be in their presence for more than an hour. They make me nervous. And Jennifer as I am in my thirty-third year of life I also get the “how many children do you have?” question. And, I let it known that I don’t have any because I’m selfish and I don’t want to take care of anyone else. I want all my time and money to be about me. Then people chime in with “well when you have one you’ll change your mind” which only makes me angry. Just because I have a vagina doesn’t mean I have to use it.
Stellar for Dusti for being brave for sharing her true thoughts and Molly for posting it.
Kids make me nervous too! Not in a “I think I’ll break them” way but in a “I feel uncomfortable if I stay in this environment for too long” way.
I haven’t really gotten the “well one day when you have one” argument. I still get the “Well, you’re young, you have plenty of time to change your mind.”
Yes. Yes, that is true. I also have plenty of time to kick you in the shin. Which do you think I’m gonna act on first? 😉
This whole thing makes me a little frustrated on many accounts. First of all, do I agree with Dusti? No. That’s my thing though. I do want children, very much so. I know my partner and I will make awesome parents who give their kid mohawks at 2 months old. Through experiences I’ve had in my 25 years on earth, I will love and hold onto any child the universe gives me and love the hell out of that kid.
Like I said though, that’s my thing. You can have your opinion, sure. In fact Dusti asked for them. She would be very naive to believe people wouldn’t comment. Hurtful or threatening comments are never okay. If you disagree well good for you, you can form your own opinion. Gold star.
To make a person feel that the decision that they think is best for their child is a personal, difficult and loving decision. At no point did Dusti say “if the kid’s damaged goods, I don’t want it”. She was honest, should someone alert the church elders?
I know a lot of parents with kids with disabilities. I commend these parents everyday. I also know some parents with disabled kids who you can see that they wish with every fiber of their being they wish that wasn’t their child, this to me is heartbreaking. The kid is disabled not oblivious. They can still have emotion and know what love is, no matter the form.
I used to work with kids with disabilities a lot at the camp I worked at. Kids with autism were my favorites. They were funny, intelligent, caring, creative and all around wonderful. I’ve even said I hope one of my kids has a mild form of autism. One of the first times I said this in a public setting I quickly got told I was a horrible person for wishing that and that they hoped I did have a kid with disabilities so I can see the hard life I wished for. This, is my thing. Am I really a horrible person for thinking that?
And last time I checked being a feminist was thinking and fighting for the right to have everyone treated equally and let them have the right to form their own opinion in life’s decisions, not have others tell you what it’s suppose to be. It’s not a right to look down at others who don’t think the same way you do.
Yes, you and your partner will have kick ass children. Who have the awesomest globe-trotting Aunt Elisa EVER! 😉
You are so very right. The decisions that a person makes about their family and their body is very much a personal decision. I agree, an essential piece of feminism is to allow people the ability to have their own opinions and beliefs, and not * have * to do something because the world tells them that they have to. If this doesn’t feel right for Dusti, then no, she probably SHOULDN’T try to raise that kid. Cause, you know what? There are families out there, who are missing a piece of their lives because they cannot HAVE children. And they would love the bejeezus out of that kid.
It’s like that line from Friends, that Chandler says “My wife’s an incredible woman. She’s loving and devoted and caring. And don’t tell her I said this but the woman’s always right… I love my wife more than anything in this world. And I… It kills me that I can’t give her a baby… I really want a kid. And when that day finally comes, I’ll learn how to be a good dad. But my wife… she’s already there. She’s a mother… without a baby… ” Gets me EVERY TIME!!
Great post, got me thinking a lot. I am only 22 and I definitely want to get married in the next few years and have kids soon after that. I haven’t thought much about the possibility of having children with disabilities – I know it is extremely difficult to care for children with disabilities, but I think it isn’t something I would give up on. This is my personal opinion – I am willing to give up certain things to have a family. To me, loneliness is the hardest battle to fight and I struggle with it. I want to build my own family, and am willing to give up pieces of my career and independence to do so. Because being an only child, I always missed that growing up. I hate loneliness and I am tired of it, and I want to have a family to call my own. If my kids have disabilities, I will support them and love them just the same because I know what it’s like to struggle with disabilities myself.
However, this is my personal feeling and someone else may feel differently. If someone feels they would not be a good parent, I would tell them to either not have the baby (ideally) or give the child up for adoption to a good family. I think there’s nothing wrong with that, as long as the child doesn’t end up in the foster care system etc — which definitely negatively impacts the child. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that!
I’ve actually heard that before from only children. That they long for a big family cause they didn’t have that growing up. At least from only children that realize they wanted that companionship. Loneliness IS a battle and struggle. You can be ridiculously happy with your life and successful, but it is nice to have someone sto share that with. As humans, most of us are wired to want that connection with our “tribe”.
And you bring up a very good point. If someone is not prepared to be a parent, then they should seriously consider whether they should become one. Yes, we’ve all heard the stories before about the parent that never thought they could do it and overcame adversity and loves their life etc etc etc. This totally DOES happen. But I find that these situations are exceptions to a sad rule in which children that are not wanted or care for correctly from the start miss out on the happiness of childhood that could be afforded to them if only they were to be with a family who could provide for them and would love to love them.