Isn’t it funny how often we won’t do something or make changes until something pushes us to re-evaluate?
After months of chatting with my SPIRLBFF about where we wanted our lives to be, I resolved on Memorial Day weekend to make some changes in my life.
The biggest of the changes so far is my decision to move to San Francisco in January.
Oh, did I not mention that sooner? 😉
Between having a bunch of clients, colleagues and friends in the Bay Area, the possibility of transferring out to UC Berkeley to finish my English degree as a CA resident ($20K tuition difference WHAT?!), finally feeling the tug of wanting a desperately needed BIG change of life, and the promise of no-snow-winters, the decision was practically made for me.
But this isn’t really about my decision to move.
It all started when I read Sam Davidson’s new book for a review over on Forbes.com (and because he is easily one of my Top 20 favorite humans on the internet). Not the “sell everything and convince yourself you are free and complete” stories that tend to float around, in the book he talks about simplifying your life by making conscious choices about where you spend your time/money/energy/life.
Then I read a post by my friend Lael Jepson about carefully choosing the people you offer a front row seat to the grand performance that is your life.
The perfect storm that swirled in my brain suddenly flashed into a serene scene that was vividly clear:
I only have 6 months left to spend with the people that matter to me in Maine.
Now let me be clear, I am fully aware of the fact that I am not falling off the face of the Earth never to return to the East Coast again. There are people who live that life sentence and I am VERY fortunate to not be one of them. The phone and internet still work in San Francisco and planes still fly West to East as well as East to West.
When your realizations are forced and you have to carefully consider your choices, those choices suddenly matter that much more.
I’m not actively shunning people or anything.
I am actively selecting people that I value (who value me back) to get a front row pass to the limited engagement of time I’ve allotted myself.
As Sam would say, we don’t need unvisited or former friends.
I think that if people add me to their online site-world-place-thing, they want to be actual friends. I don’t stop to think about the fact that they probably just want to see my pictures or add to their counts or ask me “a quick favor.” I try to value the relationship, and then I’m hurt when I realize they obviously didn’t really care in the first place.
Same happens in the 3-dimensional plane as well. Friends who live less than a mile who complain that they never see you anymore or only find time to reach out when they want something. Phones dial out the same way they receive calls and cars travel to where I am the same way that my car travels to where friends live.
Social engagements with people who don’t even reply to my Tweets and networking events with people who want to pick my brain (for free) about how to chase their dreams and offer nothing in return have tumbled headlong down the massive Chutes’n’Ladders board slide that is my life.
My friend Chris is spending 2011 writing a personal message to each and every single one of his Facebook friends telling them why they are his “friend.” I anxiously counted down the days (he is daily going through his friends alphabetically, and since I’m a genius the math was pretty easy) until mine appeared.
Elisa: The entire time I’ve known you, you’ve always been one of the friendliest and most creative people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting. Just scan through Ophelia’s Webb, a shining example of everything you can accomplish when you put your mind to something. Always kind and approachable, I’m glad we’re friends, and here’s to all your success!
Shit like that makes someone matter.
Sure, it feels good to hear nice things (I’m not an idiot, I know that this is totally inflating my slightly-out-of-control ego) but it also makes me realize that Chris values my friendship. For that and much more, I value his.
You know what that means?
BAM! Front row ticket. Right there.
Friendship, especially in this modern world of Face-Tweeting-Plus, is such a delicate and beautiful gift to give. It is one of the things that should matter in the beginning, middle and end. Not just at the time.
Yet it is precious.
Friendship is a small piece of you, sliced out of your chest and offered humbly with reckless abandon.
It is important to make sure that before you maim yourself, you are slicing your heart up carefully.
Hand out your pieces and front row tickets to those that will realize the precious gift that they are receiving.
Photo Credit: Flickr
+100 internets to you. Fantastic post.
Thanks buddy. I have a ticket here for you, FYI 😉
Oh, Elisa! I ADORE this post. You have such a way of getting naked in your writing – it’s so honest, so real, so inspiring (picture lots of people getting naked with you!) 🙂 Or not…
Here’s my favorite line: Friendship is a small piece of you, sliced out of your chest and offered humbly with reckless abandon.
Thank you for building off that front-row seat metaphor…I’m still processing what that means for me and your post was very helpful.
And San Francisco? Perfect fit for you – you’re right, decision was practically made for you. Had a “of course” feeling when I read it…
And LOVE Chris’s idea of personally writing a note to all my FB friends to tell them why they are a friend. Totally bogarting that one (thanks, Chris). And I’m already cringing as I realize some of them I don’t really know, let alone know why…Hmm.
You ROCK! CA will gain ME’s loss… Good thing you’re viral 🙂
Haha, I’m torn between just loving that opening and putting it up as a testimonial! 😉
Thank YOU for writing about the front seat metaphor. It is something that I have been chewing on since I read it. I’m sure I will continue gnawing for at least a bit to come.
I *do* feel like SF is a perfect fit for me. It was one of those things that once I decided on it, the next steps just seemed natural.
I love Chris’ idea as well (obviously, duh, that is why I shared it). I think it is such a simple but wonderful way of cutting through the shallow niceties of online relationships. And, as you note, carefully evaluating those relationships to find the ones that matter.
I hope that my viral stealing of Chris’ idea starts a viral epidemic of people letting their friends know why they matter to them on FB and beyond. 😉
I love this post. And I totally forgot about the post I wrote about things that matter that you linked to. Thanks for the reminder 😉
Congratulations on the new change and finding what truly matters to you, people, places, and ideas. So happy for you. You deserve it. Can’t wait to watch it unfold.
Grace – That post sticks out in my mind vividly reminding me of the gut-reaction analysis of what “matters” in our lives. Thank you for writing it!
I am excited for the change, can’t wait to share the unfolding with you. 🙂
Hold it. Jenny’s moving to New York and you’re moving to San Francisco? Something about that feels entirely wrong 😉
Needless to say, I’m ecstatic for you! English degrees are where it’s AT (hello, working in a bank!) and what better place for taking that leap and proving to yourself that you can fly than moving across the country. I’m proud of you, Elisa. Proud that you’re following your own heart and finding what matters to you. Because in the end, that’s what matters.
<3
Susan, don’t worry, the switching of coasts and complete ships crossing in the dead of nightness was not lost on us.
As Jenny said, it is the Universe’s way of making sure that we stay SPIRLBFF’s. 😉
I’m pretty excited too, it is gonna be fun and interesting to say the least!
Well goddamn – I feel like I’m getting cheated here – I’m already 900 miles away. You owe me back-time!
Well, I guess you’ll just have to come visit me in San Francisco then! 😉
THIS. THIS. WAS GREAT.
Elisa,
You have no idea how timely this is for me. I’ve been dealing with this same thing myself–I’ll get a response back on a blog or twitter within a few minutes from someone I’ve never met, but a friend I’ve known for years takes hours to respond to a simple text message. Beginning to wonder what it is I’m really getting from those relationships and if I’d be better off cultivating others.
Bravo on your decision to move to SF! We’re contemplating a move to New Orleans in the next two years ourselves (quite a change from small town Nebraska!). Sometimes, you just have to go for it! And from one English major to another–YAY!
Brittany – I love when I find posts like that! Exactly what I needed to hear when I needed to hear it.
I read once that most people change their circle of friends every 7 years (except for that small core group that doesn’t really ever change), so it makes sense that people we used to be close to will one day move on and so will we. I am also becoming more aware of that recently!
Still totally sucks though.
Good luck on your move as well. English majors need to roam and experience so we can write epic awesomeness about the experience! 🙂