I dated the same person for most of my high school life (but man, my freshman year was just a revolving door of fun!) and into college. Thus it wasn’t until I got back home that I started learning that dating and married people are always SO willing to “help” the poor single people of the world pair up. Was there some sort of 40 day flood coming that I didn’t know about?!
I remember distinctly the first piece of smug married conversation I had. I was 21 years old and was the youth group leader and occasional musical support at my parents’ church. Standing in a reception room for some sort of Christianal event one of the older women in the church (well, she was only about 55 but older than me!) came up to me and asked “Now, why aren’t you married? What do we have to do to find you a nice Christian man? Really, you are quite pretty dear, so what do you think the problem is?”
I was tempted to spit my dishwater punch in her face, mostly because I was so taken aback I had lost all control over my body. But hey, she did at least tell me I was pretty.
As a single person of an older age (29…I know…spinster) I have a lot of friends “helping” me to date. A friend of mine recently wrote about the need for quality over quantity in dating (she’s only 25, so there’s still time and hope for her I guess) and I agreed so much. I adhere to the idea “Anything less than a mad, passionate, extraordinary love is a waste of your time. There are far too many mediocre things in life. Love shouldn’t be one of them.” This isn’t to say I won’t date unless I’m infatuated or that I am only interested in a certain type of guy or that I’m desperately looking for love or that I’m too shy/loud/crazy/timid/etc.
But adorably paired-up people, think about this. Did you get married because you found the love of your life or did you get married because you got really good at the game of dating and that’s the only reason you hit Yahtzee? All the advice and information and stories, while fun, are merely things that worked really well for you. Last I checked, I am me and you are you. And I just haven’t found my little blue peg yet.
I really DO appreciate people caring enough to gently prod and harass me, it’s like how my Dad comments on one of my social media sources daily cause he loves me (in case anyone is wondering, the only advice my Dad has ever given me about dating is “We’d be ok if you dated a Jewish man, you know that right?” He’s adorable…) And I know that you all mean well and are blissfully happily only-slightly-irritatingly in love with your partner so I do like to take in some of what is said. Life is all about growth, right?
However, I’m pretty sure as soon as I find someone that I really do want to date for more than 3 dates and fall in love with and make babies with, I will be much less bumbling and awkward about it. I think…
To date, the best piece of advice I’ve gotten from a married person is this: If you are not used to wearing a wedding band on your hand, then you should probably practice a bit before you go for a full on face-palm, lest you will leave a welt.
(Photo Credit: Getty Images)
(Song Referral Credit: My welt-faced friend’s wedding song was the little blue peg song by ScribbleMonster…not advice but this may be my favorite wedding song ever!)
I'm 25 and most of my friends aren't married yet. I think that there are two paths that people take. They either devote themselves to finding someone or they devote themselves to finding themselves. I think if you know yourself then you will eventually find the person you want to be with and have the love you want.
I love Erin's comment and think I might be subject to the same opinion. Only speaking from experience, of course, it seems people expect you to follow a certain path — go to college, get a job, get married, have kids, etc., etc. And while that path may be right for some, it's not for all. Though it's practically expected of you. And in a society where it's not really ok to not be coupled up, it seems like a failure or a disappointment.
You say, "I am me and you are you" and that is exactly right. We all have our own paths, our own time to do things — particularly with something as huge as (what's supposed to be) a lifetime of love and commitment. Personally, I want to find someone — I'd be lying if I said I didn't. And I do want to get married and settle down and have a family. But I don't want to do it because it seems like I have to, because that's supposed to be the next step, because everyone else has.
Maybe my opinions stem from not having been in a relationship for awhile, I can't be sure. But I do know that I'm of the "finding yourself" first variety. And, honestly, it's been a long journey to that, but I think it's been necessary if I want to find what I'm really looking for.
And I have no idea where all this is going or if it made any sense, as I rarely talk about relationships, but there you have it. All meant to say, I do understand where you're coming from and appreciate the post 😉
I second Erin's comment.
Great post Elisa!! It's kind of awkward that this whole week my friends were talking about marriage….
Erin – That is SUCH a good point and perspective! I think one of the sexiest things a person can have is a healthy confidence. And really, a healthy confidence starts with a love with yourself and sense of comfort in your own life.
Susan – It's true, there is that constant pressure in life to "be what we are supposed to be." And I think when you give in and try to be what everyone wants you to be, then as Erin noted, you lose who you really are. Even though I wasn't dating I spent most of my 20's being the girl that I thought everyone wanted. It's only within the past 18 months or so that I started being the girl that I want to be. It's amazing how that has not only made life in general much happier, but scored me many more dates than ever before. You gotta be you, I gotta be me right? Sammy Davis Jr knows all…
RdGarnet – Ha! In my group of friends I think there are like 3-4 of us who are still single. Fortunately most of my paired off married friends aren't so into telling me HOW to date or be. Yet it does get weirder and weirder as the singles table at weddings diminishes more and more. 🙂
I SOOOO agree with you on this – I seriously don't understand why people feel like they are even allowed to comment on your relationship/marital status, let alone why they have enough courage (or gusto? lack of social graces?) to try to butt in and "help" – I would never just offer unsolicited advice about something I perceived as a problem in their marriages (and can you imagine how angry they'd be if I did?).
I think my personal favorite is comments and help from people who have basically never been single in their lives – those that got married at 21 or 22 and have been with the same person since the age of 16 or before (and lived with that person pretty much since high school ended). Those people never even experienced anything like the life I'm leading right now and yet they somehow seem to think they are equipped to give me advice. Sometimes it's just SOOOO tempting to point out that a brief trip from daddy's house to a husband's does not an adult make…
I loved this post Elisa, and it's been really refreshing to see that others have the same frustrations (and values) about dating, or non-dating, or responding to people asking why we aren't dating. IF I KNEW THE ANSWER I'D BE DATING!
Several guy friends have told me me I'm intimidating. And maybe that's why I'm not dating. A girl friend told me I need to be more "feminine." But I honestly don't want to apologize any more or dial back who I am and what I love *just* so that I can catch a man…who what? Will run away once I really show him who I am? No thanks. I'm happy blogging and sharing and being single in the mean time.
One more thing – have you tried online dating? Hahaha…juuuust kidding 😀
Mel – Ha, yes, I'm pretty sure that my opinion is not solicited on most marital issues. I also agree a lot on anyone who goes straight from home to school to another home in any setting probably hasn't experienced ALL that life has to offer. Though I must say while it didn't work for me, I'm sure it works very well for others. It's easy when feeling assaulted to immediately look at other life choices but I'm guilty of looking down on other people's choices when trying to justify my own.
Jenny – Seriously, did God just clone us and then separate us to be found 25 years later? I could seriously be writing that entire comment myself!
I especially agree with the why I'm not dating. And I think people take "intimidating" the wrong way many a time. I'm not saying I'm so cool or anything like that. It's just for some reason guys are "scared" to date me. One ex once told me that I was the girl you settled down with to hang out on a Friday night, eat some pizza, catch a game or curl up on opposite ends of the couch with a book and be perfectly content. And no, it isn't that they aren't ready to settle down, it's that they knew I wasn't. Does that even make sense?
And I've been looking into that online dating thing…a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend's brother once had a really good coffee date from it. 😛